Fusion

Fusion by grace2244


An artistic expression of my 12/2 integration and fusion.

Knots

Caution: Some images include nudity as artistic. Possibly triggering and/or offensive to some.

Little did I know this image of Easel would be first in a series.

These two images were cropped from a page of nine images. I found them fascinating but know some might have been offended. The message was "multiple" knots.

I have no message as to what these images mean. Not sure I want to know. Maybe will get an answer in a future collage.

Lexi

All I know of Lexi is on the front and back of a single collage page. Was this a male to female "switch"? More convincing of male instead of female? Regardless, you can see she is enduring something not pleasant. This is a good example of how I might have cut out one picture which would be in a pile for months until I find one that goes with it. I believe the alter would identify what was needed to cut out. Clearly, the small picture of Lexi on the second collage goes with the alter on the first collage.

The other interesting part of the process was that Lexi knew exactly where her other picture was in my piles when the second picture turned up. Not *my* memory cells recalling locations.

Pink Time

Pink Time by grace2244

Grace goes with pink. Pink goes with healing and embracing my female identity. This was 14 hours one day non-stop collaging. Must mean more than I can see from current memory. It does show memories from some really awful sh*t to be healing over.

Raven's World

Raven's World by grace2244

Apparently the third integration released a lot of need to communicate through art again. I love these healing "stories". Raven, who was so hardened and seemed emotionless, shows her trauma healing (the purple blob, Urban Decay eyeshadow, covered with flowers; blooms beginning to heal the craziness in lower right). It's a very peaceful collage to me. She's connecting to the little who is appearing in most (all?) of the collages I've been doing. Can't rave enough about Polyvore website.

The early years

These 8-1/2 x 11 collages were done from late September 97 until March 98 when I switched to larger artist paper. So these were the earliest clues. The baby on the lower left is me. I think I only now understand this. Interesting someone put it together 11 years ago when I would have to wait this long for an answer. Good idea to keep all notes and drawings!


Please forgive the blacked out faces on the "real" photos. This is ages 1 to 3 (by candles on the cakes). The last photo might be age 4. Top right is little Janie. Next on left is Audrey. Lucy is on the right above my last photo. Someone showing when each came into existence. I know the Audrey/Lucy split was one month after my 3rd birthday--Christmas. (Am just noticing how the alter pictures all have a similar gold/burnt orange color.)

Through the Looking Glass

Through the Looking Glass by grace2244

My healed core united with adult me with insiders peeking out. Trauma is healing as shown by the flowers growing over the once terrifying drain.

Begin again

Begin Again by grace2244

The story accompanying this collage is posted on Forbidden Topic as an example of transformational imagery as well as the power of the two trauma collages completed in the past few days focused on my Christmas distress. The good news is a great deal of trapped emotion was released and I'm feeling substantially more liberated.

Soul journey to Italy

Something very spiritual and beyond words happened during my 2005 vacation to Cinque Terre, Italy that continued into Tuscany. This healing collage is my expression of some kind of completion of my soul.


Simply Me by grace2244

Happy Holidays

I completed a second collage to finish processing whatever was going on with me. It's more of the memory when I was 3. My little sister was born near mid-December. I guess trauma was my Christmas present that year. Really nasty trauma.

So as not to trigger anyone, I'm providing a link to the art for anyone who wishes to view it. Interestingly, nearly all the images were from the ones I had used in my videos. Coincidence? Likely not.

To view Happy Holidays, click here.

Christmas Ballet

Decided to try to collage my current distress over the holiday. Didn't take too long to figure out the program.


Christmas Ballet by grace2244

Raven

Raven must have been the main me out in my organized world of abuse that continued into my 40s. I didn't understand until much later that Raven believed she was "a male without a penis". I have notebooks full of her images and memories to include watching her slow healing process.

No male parts. No breasts. Always trying to show me what's under the dress.

I had numerous images of "Coco Chanel" who always appeared as wounded emotionally. Since my integration, I've torn out a few magazine pictures. Took me awhile to understand. Coco was a wounded part of Raven. Her job was to hide Raven's femininity. Notice her discomfort with having breasts and now hiding her genital area. Healing but not completely comfortable in "her" body.

Double chimneys

These images accompany the blog post at Forbidden Topic also from today's entry date.

I chose this to be representative of my many images/collages of the building. Aside from the double chimneys, notice the windows with the square glass blocks. You can see the circles around the chimneys better in the lower image. Apparently they are used like a ladder. The top image also reflects one of the many images I have of very large piping.


Aside from images of the Annex at Walter Reed printed out for my memory folder, I had the firetruck image from Walter Reed's fire company #55 placed next to the two chimney building in my collages.


Images taken from the side of what was identified as Walter Reed's incinerator building. The left photo shows the detail of the window with the glass blocks.


I'm not sure if this is the full front or full back of the building. Notice the top of the roof with the windows. The cartoon images also show windows on top of the roof line.

The detail provided in the combined images was uncanny, to me. Especially getting a ton of rollerblading images the week before this trip. I was wondering wtf since they seemed so out of place. But that sign stating NO ROLLERBLADING started the memory/flashback sequence. More questions. That rollerblading sign could not have been there in the 60s. How did my insiders know it was there now? For more details, see the post at Forbidden Topic.

Casper

I don't recall "meeting" Casper inside. I only have these images of him. I surmise his job was to take over and act in a manner that would have had me committed...or some similar outcome.

The technical side of intentional trauma

For some highly sophisticated organized pedophile groups, technology is used to enhance trauma. While I don't know what all images mean, many memories include hospital settings (or what appeared to be a hospital), confusion about time, spinning, illusions, bright lights, and loud music. The image with the piano on top of the man says "Music you don't expect". This is another wtf of organized abuse.

Follow the poodle

This is a "ceremonial" memory I only know through these pictures. You can see how they connected together. Obviously it didn't end well for the dog or the man in the dress. Or was it really a dog that I was made to believe was a man in a dress? How did my system know there would be these poodle pictures over a period of years that would show me a single memory? Always my question.

Someone's perception of the father

Lovely images of the person who was supposed to love and protect his child unconditionally. Guns, scary tools, very strange man. The image on the island screams isolation to me. The facial details are fairly close. Clothes also look confusingly feminine. The name of this collage is Effed Up F*ther.

Easel - SI alter saved

Easel as a little girl. The ad below her image is about drugs. (Not all alters have "regular" names.) Easel went with other images I found with art easels.

Easel as teen.

Adult Easel looking drugged.

This image reveals her "job". Not all Easel images were scanned. This connects directly with components in other Easel images.

What was intended to happen at unknown certain time, event, cue.

Easel saved. Healing but still looking shaken or frightened.

These images encompass several years of torn out magazine pages from numerous magazines. Yet, after awhile, I could recognize alters as soon as I saw them. This is not the same model. The big question. How did my system know that I would find the images that would match by similar elements to give me the answers? The child picture with words about drugs to her adult "job" of suicide alter? All adult images looking drugged?

Will be writing on Forbidden Topic on how my system defused self harm alters.

Breastfeeding men - Mom confusion from birth

Warning. Some may be disturbed by these images of breasts. This "message" was mindblowing and brought up some pretty detailed intentional confusion for infant bonding with "mother".

Can you say "spinning" to confuse with regard to male/female identification?


My internal message for this picture is "man boobs".


Can you believe I found these kinds of pictures?
Double breasted?


I see a man dressed as a woman. Interestingly, it is Jerry Hall.
(Typically male name for a female)


"Black & White" went with extreme messages. If you click on this photo to enlarge it,
you can see the print on the left lower ad:
"...training in early childhood has lasting rewards."

My former system providing me with an answer no normal thinking person could conceive because of the evil intent.

Audrey

I was heartbroken to learn that Audrey first identified with being a skeleton. She's a little warrior. Notice how she is identified by holding her right hand up. The circle for eyes and the mouth also connect her images. Her first transformation was from skeleton to drawing. The images make it clear which of the split girls is Audrey. If you look below to Lucy's images, notice how they both have bare feet and are holding flowers in their healed pictures. Many littles only had bare feet. I like to think of it is (in the double language world) as showing my "sole"...soul.


I don't know about the meaning of hats except to connect pictures for me. Notice the two babies have the same hat as healed Audrey. The internal message is that was the body's age at the time of the split. Preverbal :-(

Red hat babies

It wasn't difficult to see that these images went together. I think what's most important to know is that my alters did this. Out of stacks and stacks of images, when it was time for me to notice the images with the red hats, I did. I received internal messages about some of the meaning once they were put together. It's internal communication in a most inexplicable manner.