Survivor Art Warning

Keep in mind that survivor art is not about beauty. It reveals trauma...sometimes in a subtle way. Sometimes rather graphically. The beauty, to me, is in being a witness to my own healing from the images given to me by formerly traumatized and even suicidal alters.

Please use caution in viewing this site. I'm proud to be sufficiently healed to share this art (most of which was done from 1997 to 2000). All depicted in the images have integrated. This is me when I was "we".


Names, Clarity, and Synchronicity

Each person with DID has their own healing process. From the beginning, I was led to the meaning of the names of alters. My Baby Name Book is far too highlighted. Often the meanings were part of my story, although sometimes no connection was made. This is what happened to me in the past week or so with an alter coming forward.

Kate was one of the first magazine images of an alter where I knew her name. I knew she went with rage. She moved into my internal healing place with the first few discovered alters but then vanished. She recently surfaced during a therapy session. Huge anger arose but I didn't make the connection until after the session. She was angry because the therapist seemed to be questioning what came up with my processing. In my mind, it is what it is at the time even though other information may surface connected to it. I could feel the anger in my voice defending my own process. This is the first Polyvore set. She looks very much like that original magazine image.

Crawling Out of the Shadows

Shortly after doing that set, I completed this one...someone with straight white hair. I had no idea what it meant or who she was. She is surrounded by sky aside from the prominent sniper crosshairs.

In the Crosshairs

Next came this image, also a woman with straight white hair.

Twinkle, Twinkle

Someone had asked me what it meant, but I had no idea. The next morning I awoke with my mind showing me images of an alter I knew by name from magazine images, Cassie. She had the straight white hair. Immediately I looked up the meaning of Cassie. The name goes with a constellation called Cassiopeia. According to Greek mythology, Cassie had spurned the advances of a god. He, in turn, tortured her by making it so anything she said would never be believed. Of course, this goes with the strong silencing programming those with DID tend to have.

This made perfect sense of the stars placed over her face as prominently as the crosshairs. Usually when one alter surfaces, those connected to him/her in some way also surface. I did not yet understand Cassie's connection to Kate. That came the next day. Again I awoke with my mind processing. I had been hearing the name Casey for a few days. My mind showed me K.C. which went with Kate and Cassie. When I looked up the meaning of Casey, it was shown to go with K.C. and also connected to the names Cassandra and Katerina! My synchronicity still astounds me.

The next message caused me to gasp audibly. It was Kate looking at Cassie through the crosshairs. Kate's job was to keep Cassie silenced in her galactic prison. But now that Kate had surfaced and was speaking her mind, she had released Cassie. The most recent Polyvore set of Cassie confirmed the message.

Free from her galactic prison

Instead of through crosshairs, Cassie was being viewed through a heart. I recalled in very early collages a young girl named Casey. She must have been split through trauma to create Kate and Cassie. They were part of the same being but turned against each other. I then saw the most recent episode of Covert Affairs on television where a CIA operative was ordered to turn two sisters against each other in hopes it would lead to needed information. The operative refused to do it knowing how fragile sister relationships can be. More synchronicity. Kate and Cassie needed to reunite to heal. This is the last set I've done of them to date.

K.C. 112411

I really don't know if they have become Casey again. I haven't felt any particular healing event but I know they are healing by the clutter in my mind while sleeping. Early in my Understanding DID blog, I speak of a fictional novel I wrote the year before my having DID became known. One of the characters was Cassie. She was sweet, kind, funny, good natured...Kate's opposite. It made me wonder if they balanced each other's emotions.

I also wonder, if Kate was the first I knew, if that means she is the last inside who needs to surface. It's a nice thought and a hopeful one. Only time will tell.


Healing the Program

After completing the art shown in the previous post, I had a therapy session. The result was finding the two Belle's who turned out to be much younger than depicted in the art. They very much wanted to be together and quickly hugged each other blending into one...a very emotional reunion. They were then rescued through internal imagery.

Lke A Star

Belle relayed they (the split Belles) were made to lock the mother in a prison. An internal search ensued, her prison was found, and mother (as one being) was rescued. She appeared as totally collapsed and was moved to internal hospital. Little Belle held her hand until she woke up and smiled. Belle was taken to a safe healing place.

This is the art I did showing mother introject healing in a beautiful place.

Saved By The Belles

After processing the end of this program and realizing that the method of death disclosed would have implicated my partner, I was once again horrified by the evil of those who placed such actions into my being. Normal people likely see things like "suicide programming" as an overdramatization. However, it is very much a part of healing and becomes "normal" to us mind control survivors. My last set comes from that much more programming must I undo as I continue this journey called healing.

What Lies Beneath?


New Self-Destruct Program Emerging

I had thought the suicide programming the emerged earlier this year following my father's death had been completely dismantled. The art for that program didn't begin to appear until I was within the safe confines of the trauma center. Recently I began to hear messages inside reminding me of past failures in my conscious life and gut wrenching moments I had long forgotten. It was odd because I have been in a very good place emotionally. The messages were coming up when I was doing my positive guided imagery. This is the first set I did expressing the drastic split I was feeling emotionally.

Fighting Myself

Immediately after completing the set, I felt compelled to do a set showing women with nets over their face. I had kept a category of just that begun two years ago. It was there I found a mother image and realized the messages/programming went with her.

Surprise from Mother

The third set is rather odd and I don't grasp the whole meaning. But it is the first set to show mother split in two and very programmed. I believe the F stands for father since he did control her. Writing on a face has come to mean programming and only one has writing on her face. Makes me wonder if the one twin has freed herself. I saw the tear in the black net in the very first set as an opening in the programming.

Behind the Scenes

Behind the Scenes by grace2244

The fourth set was created using the category I had created for models who reminded me of my mother. Again it shows the split. They both look so dissociated. In real life, I loved my mother and she was kind and supportive, rarely angry. We always made up with "I love yous" after we did argue. But she was also controlled by father and had at least some role when I was in a dissociative state. Oddly, in the metaphorical language of my art clues, the hat she is wearing meant CIA. I do believe my father was CIA (which ran MK-Ultra). She looks hypnotized by the peacock. As with me, if another part was "out", conscious me was completely "out of it". I believe mother in pink is conscious world mother internalized.

Guarding the Nest

Following is the first to show any programming information. It seems to have more to do with bicycles and the Ace of Spades might be metaphorical for signal or date or event. I know metaphorically bicycles represent babies. The "harelquin/joker" on the red card is me. The cards lead to the broken bicycle. And I am my mother's "baby".

In the Cards #4 090211

The next set shows me veiled in darkness and conscious mother is veiled. Both mother figures look very sad. I think the internal messages are literally meant to bury me in dark thoughts to the point where I take me own life. I've been able to shift thinking when I notice it happening but also notice how inside I am feeling more and more depressed. I am seeing my therapist very soon and hope to uncover more programming details through art before seeing her.

Veiled in Secrecy #5 090211

final programming set I have completed so far is difficult to look at but shows the ultimate objective that must be dismantled very soon.

Final Destination

In keeping with the harlequin theme of the set showing me as the target, *I* did this set...hopefully walking away from it.

Wishing It Was All Behind Her

To be continued...


Grace 101

For awhile I've done some sets with white horses and recently a flying white horse that goes with a young Buddha. This past weekend I realized I had changed. I felt stronger emotionally and even energetic. Part can be attributed to going off a medication but the bigger message is that I healed from "three graces" to two.  It was only through my Polyvore sets that I figured out who this part of me was.

Snow Buddha

Contemplating Her Duality

Sharing the crown of my Grace

I have written of the very beginning of my healing journey about the 5-year-old part of me whom I knew since I was age 5. She remained that age. She was my secret. I knew it wasn't "normal" to have a part like her with me. She became disruptive in my adult relationships though and worked with her in therapy. She integrated just prior to my knowing there were others inside and that I had DID. She was an obstinate little blonde girl whom I adored. I cried when she integrated.

Dandelion Wishes

She did show up in collages as an adult. She went with carousel horses then. Now she is with spiritual creatures...winged and beautiful. She has a Grace Kelly-ish appearance which accounts for the retro fashion. A strong protector as her 5-year-old self, it was her job to take me out of a conscious state on command. Now returned as a healed and healthy protector with all of her good energy, I feel so happy she has returned to be on the outside with me.

Perhaps my final state will be a duality. This journey keeps going, so all I can do is speculate. Am looking forward to the boost of Qi and feeling good about life again.


Follow the Fence

Most of the sets with the fence item are included in the next post "Follow the Leader". I know from my own processing that the same item in a number of sets mean they go together. When I get all the ones together with the similar item they tell a story. But I don't get a story until I get to the right set...and more may be coming. If you look at the previous post, you will see the fence item clearly in the last set where Neverland becomes Winterland. Yesterday I did this set:

When it dawned on me this morning that the fence had been an item in Neverland, I went back to see the sets and gasped when I saw this one again:

The little girl who I called "Running Away" is on the other side of the fence. The safe world is unknown to her. Just in case she was really lost, I asked inside for her to be rescued. Sweet little girl. I hope she is okay now.


Follow the Leader

I had undone harmful programming as shown in my last post. But other programming surfaced shortly afterwards involving "Tinkerbelles" whose job was to cause me to suicide by pills. I have a safety plan for that. And I thought my therapist and I undid that second round of programming a few days ago. Then last night a Polyvore set showed me there was a third wave of this suicide program. I was at my wits end.

This morning I was determined to ask questions inside to help me stop the program using Polyvore sets to communicate. My protector told me to just do what I was guided to do without speaking to others inside or questioning. I did as I was told although I did place questions beneath my processing sets. It told the story of the cycle and then showed me the ingenious solution.

The original program went with "Neverland"...never ending program possibly. I recall creating the winter world over the milkweed field but I guess I didn't logically cover all areas of the system and it came undone. I needed the entire cycle shut down...the bees, the pollination, the repopulation of the Tinkerbelle alters through the pollination.  One was always waiting in the wings if I survived either a suicide attempt or Tinkerbelle made the choice to heal. Time will tell if this worked. Since Spencer guided it, am guessing it will. Makes me wonder what other programming still lies within me waiting to be triggered into action.

For now, I think I'll enjoy knowing my Neverland is now a safe Winterland within myself.


Uncovering Suicidal Programming

My last post was four days prior to my admitting myself to the trauma unit at the Psychiatric Institute of DC because of revealing through art that my suicide attempt (see blog posts at Forbidden Topic) was the first in a series of alters, each with programmed with a different method of suicide. I became terrified to be in my body, fearing another alter would take over and do something far more frightening than taking pills.

I had a one-on-one counselor twice a week who did hypnotherapy differently than my own therapist and took me to a different level of consciousness. The Polyvore sets I did after seeing him showed me some of what he ran into when I "wasn't there". I did stay connected to him the day he asked Spencer what the plan was. I did know Spencer had a plan for undoing the dangerous programming and needed Dr. Doyle's help; however, I did not know the plan. The Polyvore sets that came up after he asked Spencer directly provided Dr. Doyle and me with the answers.

These are the sets in the order they came up:

Initially I could only sense Jose Delgado (represented by Johnnie Depp...JD (!)). It was terrifying. This showed me two girls were behind the JD facade. I knew it represented my sisters. After doing this set, I received the internal message from Spencer that the sisters had blocked his (Spencer's) voice but they could hear Dr. Doyle. Spencer needed Dr. Doyle to unbind the sisters from the programming.

The next set:

This clearly showed the sisters were bound to each other and were trauma bonded to Delgado. The bubbles (from internal translation) meant an ability by the alters to create an aneurysm or cause my heart to stop. Scary stuff. However, it also shows sister on right praying and wanting out of her chains. The sister on left has hands that say "serve him" and a look that says she is ready to proceed with the programming.

The chain between the sisters is broken. Delgado is "marked" with Mickey Mouse (the satan/controller from the underground). The next day I did a collage in group therapy with magazine images showing me again the sisters were separated along with a phrase that included the word "play". An earlier collage done my second day at the Center also showed someone trapped with a phrase including the word play.

The program went off the next day in group therapy when the facilitator began the session by saying, "Today, let's play a game." The art was telling me "play" was a trigger word for the program. I felt an alter "fly" into the back of my neck and feared I would die any second from an aneurism. What I realized later is only one of the sisters proceeded with the programming and she didn't have the power to hurt the body more than to scratch with her/my nails on my arm. The chain had been broken. The other sister had chosen to resist.

The next session with Dr. Doyle, he was able to calm the internal chaos down and I saw the sisters embracing each other inside. Huge relief followed:

Thank goodness for internal communication and communication through art.


Parting of the C's

I suppose I get clues like this because of lack of brain connections so inside messages have to use the connections known to work. Puzzle pieces. I did so many Sadie sets on Polyvore yesterday trying to get to answers about her. Sadie is the alter who took the overdose last Sunday night. Sets began to show keys and locks. While searching for a specific work of art on Google, I came across the Coco Chanel logo (two Cs overlapped in the center) with a gold key in the intersection. I used the image in a set.

This was a set I did to show Sadie we could be apart and love each other. She didn't always have to be connected to me. It's the first set showing a key (a key to separating Sadie and me). The next set I did was trying to duplicate as best I could an image I had cut from a magazine for a very early collage. It explained why I sensed Sadie was unable to talk. Notice how close the lips of the white self are to the key. This became something I pondered for quite awhile.

The set where I first used the Chanel logo went with an assassin part (I was the target). But the key in the center of the Cs would stop the programming.

The next set I did I wanted to find the Cs separated but had to settle for a clearer version of the logo and used the two hearts with the letters C to show a loving separation. I had taken my sleep meds and this was the last set I did before going to bed. Was showing it to Brian and said I needed to find a safe way to separate the Cs. ding ding ding. "The parting of the seas." Brian said Moses said it. I went to bed thinking about Moses parting the Cs.

I didn't figure out what "Moses" meant but asked Spencer if it was okay to remove the key that was blocking the Cs from separating. He said it was okay. But my mind was thinking the set with the heart and key over the mouth. As I unlocked the heart it fell down and I caught it by quickly moving my right hand and catching it against my upper chest...right where the other heart is in the image. I held two keys and two hearts in my hand. I wondered if they should be destroyed or transformed. I didn't want a red bird but I knew I wanted a peaceful image. So I saw two white doves flying away each with a heart locket around it's a keepsake necklace.

It took Sadie awhile to speak because her mouth had been closed for so long. She seemed surprised that we were both okay and said she loved me in a very soft spoken voice. We hugged. I fell asleep. When I woke up this morning I looked at the set again:

Last night I hadn't noticed the face at all within the Chanel logo top left. I had adjusted the key numerous times thinking only it didn't look like it was off the page at the top. But this morning I was stunned to see the face and the placement of the key right on the lips. Love was the key.

But before I came downstairs I was thinking about Moses again. Backwards was Ses-um. Sounded like Cesium...a dangerous chemical. Then I get the Disney cats from Lady & The Tramp singing "we are Siamese if you please". Sadie somehow was made to believe we were Siamese twins and if she separated from me we would both perish. Here is the set showing how she viewed us:

Sadie sees the lie now. I explained we could only have been Siamese twins if we had been born together in the same womb. The key is gone. We are separated. Am praying our safe separation disconnected the back up programming. "The truth shall set you free" (?).

Moses to Siamese. Parting of the Cs. Am glad Sadie is okay. Still not feeling completely safe. I do feel I need more coping skills for this intense stuff triggered by father's death. And who knows what will surface when Delgado dies. I want to be safe. And I want to live to cherish the friendships I have made and my new family.



This was a very early collage when I began playing with textures and doing artistic sets. This is Derek Jeter who has represented a perp in my life. I didn't know that until about six years ago. He was the neighbor who took over as my handler when my parents retired and moved to another state. My earlier handmade collages of Bailey show he was prominent in my life but I didn't understand. He always is with a "propeller".

I have been in my current location since the late 60s with the exception of Air Force time. The other day I was matching my father's career locations with history of those locations as well as any CIA involvement. In the late 60s, when we first moved here, the Army base where we were stationed was known for repairing Chinook helicopters from Vietnam...especially the rotor blades! Building hangars was mentioned to house the Chinooks.

Aside from Bailey having a rotor blade as an eye, the "texture" of the art is airplane metal. I think I can safely assume that he took me to that particular Army base for missions, training, and/or programming. Since I began to heal in 1997, I know it didn't happen after that year.

And, in a moment of slapping myself on my forehead, when I realized who Bailey represented, I recalled that was the name of the street we lived on during that time. Consciously I adored him. I can only hope he was as controlled as me and it was not his nature to do harm, as it was my father's.

It was this realization that my life WAS The Truman Show. All appeared normal but was very planned and directed.



32/50 Play nice

32/50 Play nice by grace2244 (in repair) on

This set came up "accidentally" today but the message is appropriate. February 22 has been a bad day for me in my dissociated life. Words were written beneath this on Polyvore indicating some things were worth fighting for. When I recall what used to happen on this date, healing was definitely worth the painful journey and always swimming upstream.