Survivor Art Warning

Keep in mind that survivor art is not about beauty. It reveals trauma...sometimes in a subtle way. Sometimes rather graphically. The beauty, to me, is in being a witness to my own healing from the images given to me by formerly traumatized and even suicidal alters.

Please use caution in viewing this site. I'm proud to be sufficiently healed to share this art (most of which was done from 1997 to 2000). All depicted in the images have integrated. This is me when I was "we".


Pause for personal identification

Time of beauty
Time of beauty - by grace2244 on

Blogging will resume when my state of fusion has completed. It's been three months and it's not allowing me to focus on anything other than fusing. I'm online at with my collages if anyone cares to follow my healing/fusion experience. Survivors are welcome to join my Polyvore group. To check it out, click here.

Will be back when my fusion process allows me to be present for life other than internal work. The good news is I have learned many answers about my programming and some cues to cause me to dissociate.

Please note I've added an email contact on my profile for those who have been trying to reach me.


Dandelions in Oz

Dandelions in Oz
Dandelions in Oz - by grace2244 on

This collage was a surprise. Who would have put dandelions with ferris wheels? Apparently this was some kind of "tin man" program. "Lions" go with Oz?! Quite a few dandelion collages lately on Polyvore. Lots of mixed stories too. Missing the world. Living in Polyvore. Visit if you like.


The next level of fusion

Warrior Woman
Warrior Woman - by grace2244 on

Yesterday, the "true male" identity of Raven, who I know as Michael, fused into the entity of Grace (Jane & Ellie). Ellie had been split into male and female since I was 3. She was able to choose to keep her two separate identities instead of choosing one. I didn't know that Michael was still behind in the male system feeling lost and disconnected. That was my therapy session. Beautiful internal imagery of the fusion.

I love this collage. I do drum. I haven't in awhile but my drums are part of my spiritual environment. Guess my warrior woman is back. More posted about this in Grace Uncensored.


Landing in Zen

Landing in Zen
Landing in Zen - by grace2244 on

Kind of neat just flopping out of trauma world directly on the path to calm and serenity.


Escape from Programming Hell

Raven escapes her prison
Raven escapes her prison - by grace2244 on

I'm still getting my life story in no particular order. Last night I completed a collage where the former Raven showed me her self image as a tormented monster. Needless to say it was very healing to have this be the next collage.


Healing spirit

Safe in a parallel universe
Safe in a parallel universe - by grace2244 on

Rising up

Evolution of Grace
Evolution of Grace - by grace2244 on

After several very traumatic collages, this came out of me about 3 a.m. I love the unfolding of myself. Male and female combining and joyful. And I do have the shocking pink Nano iPod!


Color coordinating clues

Fight Club Healing
Fight Club Healing - by grace2244 on

This collage is a great example of color coordinated clues that accumulate out of conscious awareness. I had no idea I had so many yellow, red, and black items and people. The above was done yesterday. Today a collage revealed that Fight Club was my self-destruct Mickey Mouse Club programming. Mickey IS red, white, yellow, and black! Very difficult to explain. Neat when it happens.

During this current "flood" of memories and alter messages, answers are not coming in order but am "hearing" the connections or "getting" them as more comes up. Am sure I was meant to trigger this flooding if the fusion happened. I will be fine. Can't say it enough but am so grateful for having the artistic outlet to keep this flood under control. Lots of answers. Anyone watching United States of Tara? They are doing an admirable job. The therapist even refers to programming.


The Pink Door

The Pink Door
The Pink Door - by grace2244 on

After healing sufficiently to deconstruct the male system, the ballerinas find their way back to femininity and out of the trauma.

Strong spirit

Strong spirit
Strong spirit - by grace2244 on


Free to be me

Free your mind
Free your mind - by grace2244 on

This may not mean much unless you have grasped any of my posts about twinning. The bottom line is two bonded little girls inside me were separated in a system deliberately created as a male gender identity system. The girls were Jane and Ellie who fused with me. The male was the suppressed feminity of Ellie. Ellie has since collaged fashions she likes and is fully goddess feminine. I couldn't be more pleased.


Delayed life

Then & Now
Then & Now - by grace2244 on

I found this collage interesting. I see predetermined destiny from the womb knowing I might never remember. And, if I did, it would be too late to have a "real" life. My awakening at age 44 did lead to a genuine and conscious life by age 50. What happened in between only matters to understand what needs to heal.

Seeing the stark reality of not having a life with love or safety or free will for at least four decades of my life is sad. Am grateful to have a substantially emotionally healthier life now with the capacity to give and receive good and safe love. They didn't take that from me.

Intense shame ensures dissociation

Losing the game
Losing the game - by grace2244 on

Hopefully the nudity won't offend anyone. The center row of the collage indicates being forced to be nude for many purposes included porn. I'm not sure what the roll of money represents. Judging from the picture it is near, possibly sold to the highest bidder for a night? The upper row shows me dissociating from the experiences. The lower row shows the awful shame and other feelings accompanying the exploitative activities.


The New Jane

Jane's New World
Jane's New World - by grace2244 on

I wondered who this was. Jane has always been very properly dressed and well coiffed. Apparently since our fusion she's gotten comfy in casual. I never know what the collage will be as I start. I felt the release in this one--remembering the trauma but finally achieving a true life. You can see her loves are the little things. Even that gorgeous little view out the window in Tuscany.

Divine Feminine

Divine Feminine
Divine Feminine - by grace2244 on

Now that my "male" system has healed and fused, I'm feeling and seeing the acceptance of my own femininity. I'm still the same. I've gone overboard with pink for the past few years but my style hasn't changed. Of course, these past two years, my wardrobe has been predominantly jammies. Over 100 collages. Blogs are still suffering. Will be back with regular posts as soon as my brain lets me.

In the meantime, it's nice to see what is going on inside for all to heal and accept one mind, one body.



Underground by grace2244

Since realizing what my life had been following onset of memories in 1997, I began to question the vacations I chose to take. It's my belief that my feeling obsessed to take a vacation on my own was likely a mission. In 1985 I took a bus tour from London through the beautiful English countryside ending up back in London. I've started to understand some of my "clue" images, but choose not to grasp what I might have been doing. Near one of the overnight stops was Menwith Hill, a military base shown in the collage on the right. What look like golf balls are satellites. My understanding is it is an NSA base where they do the same job I had been trained to do in the Air Force a decade earlier.

Their mission, all expenses paid by me. Possibly another reason for dissociative couriers or whatever the heck we did. No paychecks. I paid for everything connected with my trips thinking it was my idea. They always made perfect since at the time... FWIW, my vacation began from Philadelphia on July 4. Wimbledon was in progress that week. And my main mission for my one day in London was to buy a Burberry raincoat. I accomplished that objective and also bought a bag. I think Burberry's was my contact point. I spoke obsessively about that coat for months before the actual vacation. It rained so hard that day, they stopped the tennis and covered the courts. My recollection is I spent a lot longer in Burberry's than intended and wondered how it had gotten so late. hmmm.


A Different Kind of Zen Space

Zen Space
Zen Space by grace2244

After overflowing with several trauma collages, it was lovely to work on this today.


Hidden Worlds

Hidden Worlds
Hidden Worlds by grace2244

When I first began earnest work on undoing my conditioning, I became aware of a very complex internal structure with hidden passages and doorways and levels. I love this collage. My hope is that any path taken in my internal world now is one to beauty. It is my wish for all who suffer from the plague of a lifetime of abuse to eventually get to this place.


Rhino helps see inner wisdom

When these rhino images began to appear, I was initially apprehensive as to their meaning. About 10 years ago an insurance commercial on television had a rhino charging a little girl in a field (the same time as I was collecting the images). At first I started to scream, but when the rhino stopped in front of the child and the little girl pet it, I burst into tears. I've since learned that the rhino was how my female inner wisdom ME first appeared to me.

Interestingly, people with a rhino totem have a heightened sense of smell. The sense of smell is symbolic of higher discrimination, spiritual idealism and higher wisdom and rhino gives all of these to their totem people. Trust your inner wisdom. Don’t look at appearance only – go beyond and trust your internal senses. Rhino will help you see the wisdom in your life.



Before I die, I want this to be known. Those who know of the government programs impacting children in the 50s and 60s, this collage represents my basic understanding. While many have speculated about a Project Monarch, symbolized by the Monarch butterfly, my memories never came up with the word Monarch. It did come up with Dragonfly in such a huge way, I've been figuratively hit over the head with the message.

So much confusion goes with names and images and meanings, it is my belief that Project Monarch was actually a project known as Dragonfly. It included the gender confusion as a main component. I'll defer on government details because most tend to dismiss that material. It no longer matters to me at this point. It may help others. I would personally like to know if others have had similar messages. No one can confirm this for me. Of course the government won't. Therapists who know much of what has surfaced for government survivors aren't speaking either. Why do I know this? Why am I alive? I need this secret to be known. Or else all I have been through will have meant their secret went to the grave with me.

Dragonfly by grace2244


Memory validation through images

Today's post is a bit different. The topic is art but contradicts my objective not to write typical posts. This will be anything but typical but will have more text. First of all, I am including two photos. Each is of a type of snake. Even though snakes are icky to nearly every survivor, the point I'm making is how alters can have remarkable accuracy. If hearing the word snake is too upsetting, stop reading!

Within the first three years of healing, a memory surfaced that I had been placed in a sensory deprivation setting (i.e. a box) and covered with coral snakes which are deadly. I learned a lot from researching the contents of memories. The main question was how I survived having coral snakes on me even if I had some kind of paralysis drug that I didn't move. I looked up coral snake to see they look like this:
I recalled several pictures of snakes I had gathered that were all orange. I found all the images and the snakes looked the same to me which left me perplexed. One day on television I saw a commercial where a "milk snake" crawled up inside the pant leg of a man. I went a little nuts because it was an orange snake with black and white stripes. When I looked up milk snake, I found this image:

Milk snakes are harmless. Their defense is their resemblance to a coral snake. While it's difficult to tell from the photo, the coral snake has more of a yellow stripe than a white stripe. And the coral snakes have more red between the black stripes. I wouldn't want to have to consciously figure out which was which but there are some variations of a rhyme that help to tell them apart. One is:

Red and black, friend of Jack
Red and yellow, kill a fellow.

Understanding the difference, I retrieved my orange snake pictures. They were all milk snakes. Over a period of several years, anytime a picture of a milk snake appeared in a magazine, I took it for my stash until the meaning became known to me. In their trauma, the alters remembered the markings specifically. No coral snake image was included because it was not part of their trauma. While I was relieved to know I had been tricked, I can't imagine the fear I would have had as a child in that situation.

I may have stated in another blog that there was a pattern to some memories. I would be witness to some victim being killed (real or virtual or tricked) by a certain species of snake or spider or poisonous creature. I would then be confined to a small isolated area with what looked to be the same creature I just witnessed "kill" someone. Of course that served to greatly enhance the level of terror believing my death was imminent--apart from the fear of having such creatures crawl on me.

It took time to unravel that mystery, but the commercial combined with my photos demystified why I survived the close encounter with at least several deadly snakes. If I recall correctly, it was a camera commercial and the man immediately looked the snake up on the internet and had the same relief I did after seeing the commercial!


I don't recall which picture I found first--Little or Adult Nikki. But when I saw the hat for the second picture, I plowed through my stacks to find the matching one. While I have many picture of Adult Nikki, I always like finding their little. Not all bigs have littles though or vice versa. This little looks like she has psychic abilities. I had no idea what a flash card was back in the late 90s!


Insight into my phone phobia

Obey by grace2244

The telephone was the primary instrument of conveying cues to me that caused another alter to come out and do something requested. Afterwards, I just picked up where I left off never knowing I had been anywhere else or made phone calls. I also used the phone to advise handlers/abusers of my whereabouts. It's still scary for me to answer any phone.

You can see how young I was when it started. I think I first learned tones and verbal cues which were relayed over the telephone when I was older.


Child's Play

Littles Safe Playtime by grace2244

Time for littles to learn and know "safe play". Both "safe" and "play" were part of the double language world. "Play a game" was a dreaded term by many survivors. The littles I have now I consider to be inner child. I imagine they will "gel" once they get to know each other and understand they are safe from the abuse of the past.



Jade by grace2244

Some images of Jade's past, but looks like she's healing nicely.

Current population of me

Population of State of Grace by grace2244

This is representative of my current state of being. Not much more than the few ego states most people have. You just don't zone out (likely) if another is taking control. It still shows three Graces, so possibly Grace as one embodies three of me. I'm the one at center left looking a little ditzy which is exactly how I've been. It's a pretty world :-) London is there because the Ian Fleming protector has a British accent. Yes, it's weird. But I love that he speaks that way.


State of Grace

State of Grace by grace2244

This collage is Grace showing me her life. To clarify any confusion, my first connection to the name was when I realized she was a part of of many. In one of my earliest collages (in the late 90s) I show a little girl praying named Grace. The image was from behind. She was a shadow praying but about 4.

Though I didn't know what she looked like, I felt her. She's my Zen, loves pink, my muse. She became active after my first integration in 2000. Originally I had three graces. Now, I believe the last three adults on the lower right were her. One is wisdom, one is my femininity, one is my spirituality or helps in each of those areas. I didn't know when I gave myself the middle name of Grace that I would become Grace. Am liking being her.