Programming Revealed

I wrote about my internal journey in France in another blog. Much has been going on inside since my return. New parts emerging, new messages...all healing I thought. But I also have been feeling more and more lethargic since my return. Today especially. I'd been making Polyvore sets not knowing what they meant or even if they were connected. One part surfaced that I thought signified I no longer had any self-harm or hidden self-destruct programming. Apparently that was wrong.

Here are a few of my recent sets:

 

 

 I thought, after doing this last set, that an old program had started up because of the dandelion in lower left. So I did this set hoping to reveal more.

After doing this one, I could see the old program in the background but it looks shut down. The KA in lower left kept grabbing my attention. I looked up acronyms for KA to no avail and then took a nap. When I woke up, I googled "Ka element" thinking it was on the periodic table. What I found was that Ka is one of the five elements (fire of earth, wind, fire, etc.) in Japanese. Its meaning goes with strong life force, energy, what I know as Qi ("chi"). And I've been feeling so the opposite of energetic. I get an internal jolt when I have an answer and I got that jolt. A program to shut me down has gone off. I see how dead the last set is and how in previous sets I am going down.

I also noticed the set showing several of me inside with the round window on the right. The puzzle piece seems to be trying to push out the window. Almost like there was a slow carbon monoxide poisoning going on inside, I needed to get fresh air. Am in a huge dilemma at the moment being uninsured for the first time in my life waiting for my new insurance coverage since my marriage. A perfectly evil time for a program to go off. I have no one to go to for help. I thought I might be able to do a set showing what I'd like to happen inside to see if it might be internalized.

I broke open the window and have my alters on the other side in the fresh air. All I can do is wait and use my grounding skills and hope protectors inside are not shut down and can help undo this.

Someone New

Recently the woman in black with the pink background showed up in several sets. The first set shown is one I did just thinking I was randomly using a model. The second set  seemed as if the model on pink went with the bicycle wheel with pink petals. Finally I did the set which told me she was part of my subconscious world.

Since realizing she was one of me, I created two more sets until I identified her. I knew her from 1997 and magazine collages. She's my adult "Invisible Annie".

Color coordinating clues

Fight Club Healing - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

This collage is a great example of color coordinated clues that accumulate out of conscious awareness. I had no idea I had so many yellow, red, and black items and people. The above was done yesterday. Today a collage revealed that Fight Club was my self-destruct Mickey Mouse Club programming. Mickey IS red, white, yellow, and black! Very difficult to explain. Neat when it happens.

During this current "flood" of memories and alter messages, answers are not coming in order but am "hearing" the connections or "getting" them as more comes up. Am sure I was meant to trigger this flooding if the fusion happened. I will be fine. Can't say it enough but am so grateful for having the artistic outlet to keep this flood under control. Lots of answers. Anyone watching United States of Tara? They are doing an admirable job. The therapist even refers to programming.

Insight into my phone phobia

Obey by grace2244

The telephone was the primary instrument of conveying cues to me that caused another alter to come out and do something requested. Afterwards, I just picked up where I left off never knowing I had been anywhere else or made phone calls. I also used the phone to advise handlers/abusers of my whereabouts. It's still scary for me to answer any phone.

You can see how young I was when it started. I think I first learned tones and verbal cues which were relayed over the telephone when I was older.

Jade

Jade by grace2244

Some images of Jade's past, but looks like she's healing nicely.

State of Grace

State of Grace by grace2244

This collage is Grace showing me her life. To clarify any confusion, my first connection to the name was when I realized she was a part of me...one of many. In one of my earliest collages (in the late 90s) I show a little girl praying named Grace. The image was from behind. She was a shadow praying but about 4.

Though I didn't know what she looked like, I felt her. She's my Zen, loves pink, my muse. She became active after my first integration in 2000. Originally I had three graces. Now, I believe the last three adults on the lower right were her. One is wisdom, one is my femininity, one is my spirituality or helps in each of those areas. I didn't know when I gave myself the middle name of Grace that I would become Grace. Am liking being her.

Lexi

All I know of Lexi is on the front and back of a single collage page. Was this a male to female "switch"? More convincing of male instead of female? Regardless, you can see she is enduring something not pleasant. This is a good example of how I might have cut out one picture which would be in a pile for months until I find one that goes with it. I believe the alter would identify what was needed to cut out. Clearly, the small picture of Lexi on the second collage goes with the alter on the first collage.

The other interesting part of the process was that Lexi knew exactly where her other picture was in my piles when the second picture turned up. Not *my* memory cells recalling locations.

Ellie knows trauma

I don't know what the gold ball means. I just know these are both Ellie. No specific meaning goes with them.

This represents traumatic silencing to me.


I'm not sure I want to know what Ellie is remembering in this collage.


I did not know what the head gear represented initially. It is a stereotactic instrument that keeps the skull still during brain surgery. Wtf?



Ellie beginning to heal. Aside from appearing bald, she nearly always appeared naked. This ad shows her with hair...a sign of beginning to heal. Amazingly, the small print speaks of the journey of turtles. Turtles have gone with her since some of her first images. Perhaps why I now own a turtle and honor them?


This selection of collages and images are but a few of the strange and disturbing trauma remembered by Ellie. This last collage originally had a blank right bottom corner. I added the photo of her healed and looking confident...and clothed. The top images still upset me.

In my integration earlier this week, Ellie reunited with Jane who will be featured in the next post. Janie grew up to be Jane. Ellie has always appeared as an adult even though she was likely created by the time I was 3.

Hard Candy

Starting off slowly to show how my system introduced me to themselves. Understand I had a room with piles of pictures torn out from magazines. Most adult alters came from fashion magazines. In every case, after digging through piles of pictures, eventually I would see a pattern or "recognize" someone I'd seen in a previous picture and go scavaging. Is this the same model? I have no idea. But there is no doubt the pictures belong with this one alter.

Notice the words "hair candy" and "hard candy" on the first two ads. It's hard to believe there would be two ads with someone with that facial expression in the world. Also, I have no pictures of a full body...just her head. Names of alters were given to me. I didn't make them up. Names weren't always reflected on the images but often were. This is Hard Candy. You can see the trauma in the first two pictures and the serenity of having healed in the third picture.

Lucy

Audrey (top left) and Lucy were two of the first littles I knew. I was shown that Audrey existed first and her job was to hold physical and emotional pain. Audrey became too overwhelmed and split off creating Lucy whose job was to hold shame and guilt. The last picture is Lucy healed as a child. She appears as a young adult in other images; although she did not "grow up". With DID, it is possible to have the same alter at various ages, each existing as a separate self state.