Tinman Evolution

Yesterday, out of nowhere, I created this Polyvore set:

It wasn't until the "veil" fell over her eyes when I added an item that I realized she is the Tinman healing. She's surrounded by signs of new growth and her face is revealed. I had to go back four years to find my original portraits of this part of me. Two were done. Am assuming it's the same part; otherwise, there are two who need to heal.

While obscured, the most recent set has a gear in the center of the forehead. Interesting that flowers surround both. I don't have a heart on the most recent one. I do believe the heart WAS the programming. That was broken, but apparently it didn't automatically allow the part to heal. Maybe she couldn't heal until my "Tinkerbelle" part healed, and she has just begun to move toward healing.

Only time will tell if the Tinman part will be safe to me internally. It would be very nice not to have to struggle against an unsafe part to undo programming so soon after the battle I've fought with undoing internal Neverland. The world of Disney lived within me.

Back to Wonderland?

Since my last post, I was able to undo that programming. However, something new began a few days ago that was very disconcerting. Actually I had found a collage done earlier this year showing "I must die" programming for my birthday next week. It's an even decade. I've been through so much of that, I usually don't worry about it. One of the parts rescued from undoing the last program was a mother part. I had my mother internalized several different ways. This one was subservient and loyal to the internal perp father part who was successfully made harmless.

With that in mind, yesterday I did this set called "Will She Return?" (to Wonderland).

There are many details in the set. Difficult to see is "Alice" holding the mirror that the woman is staring into. As I saved this to my computer, I realized I did a set the previous day with one of my two Alices (Keira Knightley).

This set was called "Unexpected Peace"; however, Wonderland was backwards. Peace would have meant the opposite. As I made the connection of these two sets my mind kept flashing images of my mother. And I had gotten the message "Mother and child reunion", from the song, but had no connection when I looked up the lyrics.

Following the first set shown above, I created this one called "Forced Back to Wonderland".

Actually, dandelions go with Oz which was "down the rabbit hole" from Wonderland. This frightened me. My insurance recently changed due to marriage and I have a new therapist whom I know but have yet to see as a patient. That will be soon. I sent her a note asking if she knew of anyone who had similar programming; specifically, could I fall apart and have that which had healed reappear. She said possibly programming related to mirrors. The first set I did has a mirror as a focal point! She also said it could be related to antimatter. Not long ago I had programming involving antimatter which disintegrates with light.

I went back through my sets and knew the woman on the left was a mother part and the one on the right was "Tink" who also went with my younger sister. Mother and daughter reunion. I eked as I realized their reunion would set off the program.

I know I can undo things inside by doing it with art. I began to make a new set starting with cutting the women who are joined as one into two separate women and placed a wall between them. Then I decided to use individual images of Tink and mother. Since it is Tink being forced back into Wonderland and appears nude in the set, I chose an image of her also nude. I'd been using the model Monica Belluci as mother part. Well actually I started using her and didn't know she was a mother part until about the 5th or 6th set I did with her. In addition to separating them with a wall, I gave each an aura of a different colored light so they could be safe individually but prevent them from merging.

After completing this set, I felt huge relief internally. I can never say never but Polyvore and the note from my new therapist helped me resolve this program. Am hoping I can at least have a week's break before I am forced into deprogram mode again. I'm 60 next week and it just doesn't stop.

Programming Revealed

I wrote about my internal journey in France in another blog. Much has been going on inside since my return. New parts emerging, new messages...all healing I thought. But I also have been feeling more and more lethargic since my return. Today especially. I'd been making Polyvore sets not knowing what they meant or even if they were connected. One part surfaced that I thought signified I no longer had any self-harm or hidden self-destruct programming. Apparently that was wrong.

Here are a few of my recent sets:

 

 

 I thought, after doing this last set, that an old program had started up because of the dandelion in lower left. So I did this set hoping to reveal more.

After doing this one, I could see the old program in the background but it looks shut down. The KA in lower left kept grabbing my attention. I looked up acronyms for KA to no avail and then took a nap. When I woke up, I googled "Ka element" thinking it was on the periodic table. What I found was that Ka is one of the five elements (fire of earth, wind, fire, etc.) in Japanese. Its meaning goes with strong life force, energy, what I know as Qi ("chi"). And I've been feeling so the opposite of energetic. I get an internal jolt when I have an answer and I got that jolt. A program to shut me down has gone off. I see how dead the last set is and how in previous sets I am going down.

I also noticed the set showing several of me inside with the round window on the right. The puzzle piece seems to be trying to push out the window. Almost like there was a slow carbon monoxide poisoning going on inside, I needed to get fresh air. Am in a huge dilemma at the moment being uninsured for the first time in my life waiting for my new insurance coverage since my marriage. A perfectly evil time for a program to go off. I have no one to go to for help. I thought I might be able to do a set showing what I'd like to happen inside to see if it might be internalized.

I broke open the window and have my alters on the other side in the fresh air. All I can do is wait and use my grounding skills and hope protectors inside are not shut down and can help undo this.

Healing the Program

After completing the art shown in the previous post, I had a therapy session. The result was finding the two Belle's who turned out to be much younger than depicted in the art. They very much wanted to be together and quickly hugged each other blending into one...a very emotional reunion. They were then rescued through internal imagery.

Like A Star by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Belle relayed they (the split Belles) were made to lock the mother in a prison. An internal search ensued, her prison was found, and mother (as one being) was rescued. She appeared as totally collapsed and was moved to internal hospital. Little Belle held her hand until she woke up and smiled. Belle was taken to a safe healing place.

This is the art I did showing mother introject healing in a beautiful place.

Saved By The Belles by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

After processing the end of this program and realizing that the method of death disclosed would have implicated my partner, I was once again horrified by the evil of those who placed such actions into my being. Normal people likely see things like "suicide programming" as an overdramatization. However, it is very much a part of healing and becomes "normal" to us mind control survivors. My last set comes from that thinking...how much more programming must I undo as I continue this journey called healing.

What Lies Beneath? by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

New Self-Destruct Program Emerging

I had thought the suicide programming the emerged earlier this year following my father's death had been completely dismantled. The art for that program didn't begin to appear until I was within the safe confines of the trauma center. Recently I began to hear messages inside reminding me of past failures in my conscious life and gut wrenching moments I had long forgotten. It was odd because I have been in a very good place emotionally. The messages were coming up when I was doing my positive guided imagery. This is the first set I did expressing the drastic split I was feeling emotionally.

Fighting Myself by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Immediately after completing the set, I felt compelled to do a set showing women with nets over their face. I had kept a category of just that begun two years ago. It was there I found a mother image and realized the messages/programming went with her.

Surprise from Mother by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

The third set is rather odd and I don't grasp the whole meaning. But it is the first set to show mother split in two and very programmed. I believe the F stands for father since he did control her. Writing on a face has come to mean programming and only one has writing on her face. Makes me wonder if the one twin has freed herself. I saw the tear in the black net in the very first set as an opening in the programming.

Behind the Scenes by grace2244

The fourth set was created using the category I had created for models who reminded me of my mother. Again it shows the split. They both look so dissociated. In real life, I loved my mother and she was kind and supportive, rarely angry. We always made up with "I love yous" after we did argue. But she was also controlled by father and had at least some role when I was in a dissociative state. Oddly, in the metaphorical language of my art clues, the hat she is wearing meant CIA. I do believe my father was CIA (which ran MK-Ultra). She looks hypnotized by the peacock. As with me, if another part was "out", conscious me was completely "out of it". I believe mother in pink is conscious world mother internalized.

Guarding the Nest by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Following is the first to show any programming information. It seems to have more to do with bicycles and the Ace of Spades might be metaphorical for signal or date or event. I know metaphorically bicycles represent babies. The "harelquin/joker" on the red card is me. The cards lead to the broken bicycle. And I am my mother's "baby".

In the Cards #4 090211 by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

The next set shows me veiled in darkness and conscious mother is veiled. Both mother figures look very sad. I think the internal messages are literally meant to bury me in dark thoughts to the point where I take me own life. I've been able to shift thinking when I notice it happening but also notice how inside I am feeling more and more depressed. I am seeing my therapist very soon and hope to uncover more programming details through art before seeing her.

Veiled in Secrecy by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

The final programming set I have completed so far is difficult to look at but shows the ultimate objective that must be dismantled very soon.

Final Destination by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

In keeping with the harlequin theme of the set showing me as the target, *I* did this set...hopefully walking away from it.

Wishing It Was All Behind Her by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

To be continued...

Follow the Leader

I had undone harmful programming as shown in my last post. But other programming surfaced shortly afterwards involving "Tinkerbelles" whose job was to cause me to suicide by pills. I have a safety plan for that. And I thought my therapist and I undid that second round of programming a few days ago. Then last night a Polyvore set showed me there was a third wave of this suicide program. I was at my wits end.

This morning I was determined to ask questions inside to help me stop the program using Polyvore sets to communicate. My protector told me to just do what I was guided to do without speaking to others inside or questioning. I did as I was told although I did place questions beneath my processing sets. It told the story of the cycle and then showed me the ingenious solution.

Where do I go from here? 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Processing 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

By the pond 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Evolving 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Bound by mist & veils 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Pollinating the field 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) featuring pearl hair accessories

Winterland 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

The original program went with "Neverland"...never ending program possibly. I recall creating the winter world over the milkweed field but I guess I didn't logically cover all areas of the system and it came undone. I needed the entire cycle shut down...the bees, the pollination, the repopulation of the Tinkerbelle alters through the pollination.  One was always waiting in the wings if I survived either a suicide attempt or Tinkerbelle made the choice to heal. Time will tell if this worked. Since Spencer guided it, am guessing it will. Makes me wonder what other programming still lies within me waiting to be triggered into action.

For now, I think I'll enjoy knowing my Neverland is now a safe Winterland within myself.

Uncovering Suicidal Programming

My last post was four days prior to my admitting myself to the trauma unit at the Psychiatric Institute of DC because of revealing through art that my suicide attempt (see blog posts at Forbidden Topic) was the first in a series of alters, each with programmed with a different method of suicide. I became terrified to be in my body, fearing another alter would take over and do something far more frightening than taking pills.

I had a one-on-one counselor twice a week who did hypnotherapy differently than my own therapist and took me to a different level of consciousness. The Polyvore sets I did after seeing him showed me some of what he ran into when I "wasn't there". I did stay connected to him the day he asked Spencer what the plan was. I did know Spencer had a plan for undoing the dangerous programming and needed Dr. Doyle's help; however, I did not know the plan. The Polyvore sets that came up after he asked Spencer directly provided Dr. Doyle and me with the answers.

These are the sets in the order they came up:

Wondering... 040411 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Initially I could only sense Jose Delgado (represented by Johnnie Depp...JD (!)). It was terrifying. This showed me two girls were behind the JD facade. I knew it represented my sisters. After doing this set, I received the internal message from Spencer that the sisters had blocked his (Spencer's) voice but they could hear Dr. Doyle. Spencer needed Dr. Doyle to unbind the sisters from the programming.

The next set:

***Livvy & Lizzie Bound in Suicide Programming by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

This clearly showed the sisters were bound to each other and were trauma bonded to Delgado. The bubbles (from internal translation) meant an ability by the alters to create an aneurysm or cause my heart to stop. Scary stuff. However, it also shows sister on right praying and wanting out of her chains. The sister on left has hands that say "serve him" and a look that says she is ready to proceed with the programming.

***The Plan 040511 by grace2244 (kinda here) featuring by auds brooches

The chain between the sisters is broken. Delgado is "marked" with Mickey Mouse (the satan/controller from the underground). The next day I did a collage in group therapy with magazine images showing me again the sisters were separated along with a phrase that included the word "play". An earlier collage done my second day at the Center also showed someone trapped with a phrase including the word play.

The program went off the next day in group therapy when the facilitator began the session by saying, "Today, let's play a game." The art was telling me "play" was a trigger word for the program. I felt an alter "fly" into the back of my neck and feared I would die any second from an aneurism. What I realized later is only one of the sisters proceeded with the programming and she didn't have the power to hurt the body more than to scratch with her/my nails on my arm. The chain had been broken. The other sister had chosen to resist.

The next session with Dr. Doyle, he was able to calm the internal chaos down and I saw the sisters embracing each other inside. Huge relief followed:

Freedom by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Thank goodness for internal communication and communication through art.

Not A Creature Was Stirring

Does it ever stop? by grace2244 (so behind) on Polyvore.com

This is a selection of sets that I initially just saw as Alice in Wonderland programming...lots of tea. But it was a real life experience in the past year that brought the meaning to me. Each morning I had my espresso and delighted in my tiny espresso spoons and stirring up the chocolate in the bottom of my morning caffeine.

Likely over the course of several months it dawned on me that I would stir my espresso and the next thing I knew I was on Polyvore and had forgotten to drink my espresso. Was always getting up to reheat it in the microwave. I was able to ask myself to show me what was happening. The last set in this post was my answer. Staring into the swirling of stirring my espresso caused me to dissociate if only a few seconds to blank out that I even wanted to drink it.

I was able to go back through many other sets with tea showing me dissociating from swirling steam or something else related to tea or coffee. It actually still happens but I try to remember not to look into the cup while I stir. Simple things that caused me to become someone else in the past. Thank goodness no harm comes from it now except for having cold espresso...or tea.

Tea by grace2244 (so behind) featuring a trench coat

Tea by grace2244 (so behind) on Polyvore.com

March Hare by grace2244 (so behind) featuring silver tone jewelry

***Stirring things up by grace2244 (so behind) featuring an alex and ani

Dandelions in Oz

Dandelions in Oz - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

This collage was a surprise. Who would have put dandelions with ferris wheels? Apparently this was some kind of "tin man" program. "Lions" go with Oz?! Quite a few dandelion collages lately on Polyvore. Lots of mixed stories too. Missing the world. Living in Polyvore. Visit if you like.

The next level of fusion

Warrior Woman - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Yesterday, the "true male" identity of Raven, who I know as Michael, fused into the entity of Grace (Jane & Ellie). Ellie had been split into male and female since I was 3. She was able to choose to keep her two separate identities instead of choosing one. I didn't know that Michael was still behind in the male system feeling lost and disconnected. That was my therapy session. Beautiful internal imagery of the fusion.

I love this collage. I do drum. I haven't in awhile but my drums are part of my spiritual environment. Guess my warrior woman is back. More posted about this in Grace Uncensored.

Landing in Zen

Landing in Zen - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Kind of neat just flopping out of trauma world directly on the path to calm and serenity.

Escape from Programming Hell

Raven escapes her prison - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

I'm still getting my life story in no particular order. Last night I completed a collage where the former Raven showed me her self image as a tormented monster. Needless to say it was very healing to have this be the next collage.

The Pink Door

The Pink Door - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

After healing sufficiently to deconstruct the male system, the ballerinas find their way back to femininity and out of the trauma.

Free to be me

Free your mind - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

This may not mean much unless you have grasped any of my posts about twinning. The bottom line is two bonded little girls inside me were separated in a system deliberately created as a male gender identity system. The girls were Jane and Ellie who fused with me. The male was the suppressed feminity of Ellie. Ellie has since collaged fashions she likes and is fully goddess feminine. I couldn't be more pleased.