Survivor Art Warning

Keep in mind that survivor art is not about beauty. It reveals trauma...sometimes in a subtle way. Sometimes rather graphically. The beauty, to me, is in being a witness to my own healing from the images given to me by formerly traumatized and even suicidal alters.

Please use caution in viewing this site. I'm proud to be sufficiently healed to share this art (most of which was done from 1997 to 2000). All depicted in the images have integrated. This is me when I was "we".


New Self-Destruct Program Emerging

I had thought the suicide programming the emerged earlier this year following my father's death had been completely dismantled. The art for that program didn't begin to appear until I was within the safe confines of the trauma center. Recently I began to hear messages inside reminding me of past failures in my conscious life and gut wrenching moments I had long forgotten. It was odd because I have been in a very good place emotionally. The messages were coming up when I was doing my positive guided imagery. This is the first set I did expressing the drastic split I was feeling emotionally.

Fighting Myself

Immediately after completing the set, I felt compelled to do a set showing women with nets over their face. I had kept a category of just that begun two years ago. It was there I found a mother image and realized the messages/programming went with her.

Surprise from Mother

The third set is rather odd and I don't grasp the whole meaning. But it is the first set to show mother split in two and very programmed. I believe the F stands for father since he did control her. Writing on a face has come to mean programming and only one has writing on her face. Makes me wonder if the one twin has freed herself. I saw the tear in the black net in the very first set as an opening in the programming.

Behind the Scenes

Behind the Scenes by grace2244

The fourth set was created using the category I had created for models who reminded me of my mother. Again it shows the split. They both look so dissociated. In real life, I loved my mother and she was kind and supportive, rarely angry. We always made up with "I love yous" after we did argue. But she was also controlled by father and had at least some role when I was in a dissociative state. Oddly, in the metaphorical language of my art clues, the hat she is wearing meant CIA. I do believe my father was CIA (which ran MK-Ultra). She looks hypnotized by the peacock. As with me, if another part was "out", conscious me was completely "out of it". I believe mother in pink is conscious world mother internalized.

Guarding the Nest

Following is the first to show any programming information. It seems to have more to do with bicycles and the Ace of Spades might be metaphorical for signal or date or event. I know metaphorically bicycles represent babies. The "harelquin/joker" on the red card is me. The cards lead to the broken bicycle. And I am my mother's "baby".

In the Cards #4 090211

The next set shows me veiled in darkness and conscious mother is veiled. Both mother figures look very sad. I think the internal messages are literally meant to bury me in dark thoughts to the point where I take me own life. I've been able to shift thinking when I notice it happening but also notice how inside I am feeling more and more depressed. I am seeing my therapist very soon and hope to uncover more programming details through art before seeing her.

Veiled in Secrecy #5 090211

final programming set I have completed so far is difficult to look at but shows the ultimate objective that must be dismantled very soon.

Final Destination

In keeping with the harlequin theme of the set showing me as the target, *I* did this set...hopefully walking away from it.

Wishing It Was All Behind Her

To be continued...

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