Survivor Art Warning

Keep in mind that survivor art is not about beauty. It reveals trauma...sometimes in a subtle way. Sometimes rather graphically. The beauty, to me, is in being a witness to my own healing from the images given to me by formerly traumatized and even suicidal alters.

Please use caution in viewing this site. I'm proud to be sufficiently healed to share this art (most of which was done from 1997 to 2000). All depicted in the images have integrated. This is me when I was "we".


Back to Wonderland?

Since my last post, I was able to undo that programming. However, something new began a few days ago that was very disconcerting. Actually I had found a collage done earlier this year showing "I must die" programming for my birthday next week. It's an even decade. I've been through so much of that, I usually don't worry about it. One of the parts rescued from undoing the last program was a mother part. I had my mother internalized several different ways. This one was subservient and loyal to the internal perp father part who was successfully made harmless.

With that in mind, yesterday I did this set called "Will She Return?" (to Wonderland).

There are many details in the set. Difficult to see is "Alice" holding the mirror that the woman is staring into. As I saved this to my computer, I realized I did a set the previous day with one of my two Alices (Keira Knightley).

This set was called "Unexpected Peace"; however, Wonderland was backwards. Peace would have meant the opposite. As I made the connection of these two sets my mind kept flashing images of my mother. And I had gotten the message "Mother and child reunion", from the song, but had no connection when I looked up the lyrics.

Following the first set shown above, I created this one called "Forced Back to Wonderland".

Actually, dandelions go with Oz which was "down the rabbit hole" from Wonderland. This frightened me. My insurance recently changed due to marriage and I have a new therapist whom I know but have yet to see as a patient. That will be soon. I sent her a note asking if she knew of anyone who had similar programming; specifically, could I fall apart and have that which had healed reappear. She said possibly programming related to mirrors. The first set I did has a mirror as a focal point! She also said it could be related to antimatter. Not long ago I had programming involving antimatter which disintegrates with light.

I went back through my sets and knew the woman on the left was a mother part and the one on the right was "Tink" who also went with my younger sister. Mother and daughter reunion. I eked as I realized their reunion would set off the program.

I know I can undo things inside by doing it with art. I began to make a new set starting with cutting the women who are joined as one into two separate women and placed a wall between them. Then I decided to use individual images of Tink and mother. Since it is Tink being forced back into Wonderland and appears nude in the set, I chose an image of her also nude. I'd been using the model Monica Belluci as mother part. Well actually I started using her and didn't know she was a mother part until about the 5th or 6th set I did with her. In addition to separating them with a wall, I gave each an aura of a different colored light so they could be safe individually but prevent them from merging.

After completing this set, I felt huge relief internally. I can never say never but Polyvore and the note from my new therapist helped me resolve this program. Am hoping I can at least have a week's break before I am forced into deprogram mode again. I'm 60 next week and it just doesn't stop.


Programming Revealed

I wrote about my internal journey in France in another blog. Much has been going on inside since my return. New parts emerging, new messages...all healing I thought. But I also have been feeling more and more lethargic since my return. Today especially. I'd been making Polyvore sets not knowing what they meant or even if they were connected. One part surfaced that I thought signified I no longer had any self-harm or hidden self-destruct programming. Apparently that was wrong.

Here are a few of my recent sets:


 I thought, after doing this last set, that an old program had started up because of the dandelion in lower left. So I did this set hoping to reveal more.

After doing this one, I could see the old program in the background but it looks shut down. The KA in lower left kept grabbing my attention. I looked up acronyms for KA to no avail and then took a nap. When I woke up, I googled "Ka element" thinking it was on the periodic table. What I found was that Ka is one of the five elements (fire of earth, wind, fire, etc.) in Japanese. Its meaning goes with strong life force, energy, what I know as Qi ("chi"). And I've been feeling so the opposite of energetic. I get an internal jolt when I have an answer and I got that jolt. A program to shut me down has gone off. I see how dead the last set is and how in previous sets I am going down.

I also noticed the set showing several of me inside with the round window on the right. The puzzle piece seems to be trying to push out the window. Almost like there was a slow carbon monoxide poisoning going on inside, I needed to get fresh air. Am in a huge dilemma at the moment being uninsured for the first time in my life waiting for my new insurance coverage since my marriage. A perfectly evil time for a program to go off. I have no one to go to for help. I thought I might be able to do a set showing what I'd like to happen inside to see if it might be internalized.

I broke open the window and have my alters on the other side in the fresh air. All I can do is wait and use my grounding skills and hope protectors inside are not shut down and can help undo this.


What Does It Mean?

I've come to learn that if I need to know what something means I can start an art set with the item and build a set around it. Since my last post with the hearts and pink stairs, I learned there was a split during a trauma when I was three years old. Her name is Rose and she will soon appear. Older sets showed  I'd had self-destruct programming if Rose ever integrated. I did a set showing the programming had been undone. But then I did these two sets showing an adult part of me, Ellie, and her connection to Rose.

Ellie's last memory of baby Rose.

Ellie (front) and Rose in background, healed and grown up, about to join the rest of us.

After seeing these sets together, I realized both had veils separating Ellie and Rose. I wanted to know if it was something dangerous I needed to deal with before the reunion. The name of the turquoise veil is "flutter" so I started the next set with the turquoise butterfly.

This put my mind to rest that the veil was the connection of their spirits. The blue and purple light in this set has always gone with the Gracie part of me who integrated in early June and also with Rose, showing their strong connection.

I'll be going to France on vacation soon and will write in my Healing From & Understanding DID blog about that experience.


Hearts, Love, and Pink Stairs

Since my last post on June 30, the newly emerged part of me seems to go with stairs and hearts and love. I'm still processing what is happening but these are the sets telling the story:

7/12/2012 Head in the Clouds

7/12/2012 New Growth

7/14/2012 Breaking the Barrier to Love

7/15/2012 Ascending

I've had other parts of me integrate through my heart and have felt a physical sensation when that happened. I don't know if that's what this means or perhaps she is ascending to one of my higher selves (inner wisdom). Only good feelings have been connected to her since she escaped her internal "prison".


Feeling the Freedom

Lately I have experienced some phenomenal healing. The following sets are representative of that feeling.

Just prior to feeling it internally, this set reflected the change about to happen.

When it happened, it felt "freeing". And I've felt more uplifted and have more energy since the change. While difficult to explain unless you've experienced life long depression, it finally feels that I have sufficient emotional strength to stay above the depression "pit" when bad or sad things happen. I'll take it for as long as I can. A beautiful gift in my life.