Tinman Evolution

Yesterday, out of nowhere, I created this Polyvore set:

It wasn't until the "veil" fell over her eyes when I added an item that I realized she is the Tinman healing. She's surrounded by signs of new growth and her face is revealed. I had to go back four years to find my original portraits of this part of me. Two were done. Am assuming it's the same part; otherwise, there are two who need to heal.

While obscured, the most recent set has a gear in the center of the forehead. Interesting that flowers surround both. I don't have a heart on the most recent one. I do believe the heart WAS the programming. That was broken, but apparently it didn't automatically allow the part to heal. Maybe she couldn't heal until my "Tinkerbelle" part healed, and she has just begun to move toward healing.

Only time will tell if the Tinman part will be safe to me internally. It would be very nice not to have to struggle against an unsafe part to undo programming so soon after the battle I've fought with undoing internal Neverland. The world of Disney lived within me.

Back to Wonderland?

Since my last post, I was able to undo that programming. However, something new began a few days ago that was very disconcerting. Actually I had found a collage done earlier this year showing "I must die" programming for my birthday next week. It's an even decade. I've been through so much of that, I usually don't worry about it. One of the parts rescued from undoing the last program was a mother part. I had my mother internalized several different ways. This one was subservient and loyal to the internal perp father part who was successfully made harmless.

With that in mind, yesterday I did this set called "Will She Return?" (to Wonderland).

There are many details in the set. Difficult to see is "Alice" holding the mirror that the woman is staring into. As I saved this to my computer, I realized I did a set the previous day with one of my two Alices (Keira Knightley).

This set was called "Unexpected Peace"; however, Wonderland was backwards. Peace would have meant the opposite. As I made the connection of these two sets my mind kept flashing images of my mother. And I had gotten the message "Mother and child reunion", from the song, but had no connection when I looked up the lyrics.

Following the first set shown above, I created this one called "Forced Back to Wonderland".

Actually, dandelions go with Oz which was "down the rabbit hole" from Wonderland. This frightened me. My insurance recently changed due to marriage and I have a new therapist whom I know but have yet to see as a patient. That will be soon. I sent her a note asking if she knew of anyone who had similar programming; specifically, could I fall apart and have that which had healed reappear. She said possibly programming related to mirrors. The first set I did has a mirror as a focal point! She also said it could be related to antimatter. Not long ago I had programming involving antimatter which disintegrates with light.

I went back through my sets and knew the woman on the left was a mother part and the one on the right was "Tink" who also went with my younger sister. Mother and daughter reunion. I eked as I realized their reunion would set off the program.

I know I can undo things inside by doing it with art. I began to make a new set starting with cutting the women who are joined as one into two separate women and placed a wall between them. Then I decided to use individual images of Tink and mother. Since it is Tink being forced back into Wonderland and appears nude in the set, I chose an image of her also nude. I'd been using the model Monica Belluci as mother part. Well actually I started using her and didn't know she was a mother part until about the 5th or 6th set I did with her. In addition to separating them with a wall, I gave each an aura of a different colored light so they could be safe individually but prevent them from merging.

After completing this set, I felt huge relief internally. I can never say never but Polyvore and the note from my new therapist helped me resolve this program. Am hoping I can at least have a week's break before I am forced into deprogram mode again. I'm 60 next week and it just doesn't stop.

Follow the Leader

I had undone harmful programming as shown in my last post. But other programming surfaced shortly afterwards involving "Tinkerbelles" whose job was to cause me to suicide by pills. I have a safety plan for that. And I thought my therapist and I undid that second round of programming a few days ago. Then last night a Polyvore set showed me there was a third wave of this suicide program. I was at my wits end.

This morning I was determined to ask questions inside to help me stop the program using Polyvore sets to communicate. My protector told me to just do what I was guided to do without speaking to others inside or questioning. I did as I was told although I did place questions beneath my processing sets. It told the story of the cycle and then showed me the ingenious solution.

Where do I go from here? 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Processing 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

By the pond 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Evolving 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Bound by mist & veils 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Pollinating the field 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) featuring pearl hair accessories

Winterland 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

The original program went with "Neverland"...never ending program possibly. I recall creating the winter world over the milkweed field but I guess I didn't logically cover all areas of the system and it came undone. I needed the entire cycle shut down...the bees, the pollination, the repopulation of the Tinkerbelle alters through the pollination.  One was always waiting in the wings if I survived either a suicide attempt or Tinkerbelle made the choice to heal. Time will tell if this worked. Since Spencer guided it, am guessing it will. Makes me wonder what other programming still lies within me waiting to be triggered into action.

For now, I think I'll enjoy knowing my Neverland is now a safe Winterland within myself.

Bailey

This was a very early collage when I began playing with textures and doing artistic sets. This is Derek Jeter who has represented a perp in my life. I didn't know that until about six years ago. He was the neighbor who took over as my handler when my parents retired and moved to another state. My earlier handmade collages of Bailey show he was prominent in my life but I didn't understand. He always is with a "propeller".

I have been in my current location since the late 60s with the exception of Air Force time. The other day I was matching my father's career locations with history of those locations as well as any CIA involvement. In the late 60s, when we first moved here, the Army base where we were stationed was known for repairing Chinook helicopters from Vietnam...especially the rotor blades! Building hangars was mentioned to house the Chinooks.

Aside from Bailey having a rotor blade as an eye, the "texture" of the art is airplane metal. I think I can safely assume that he took me to that particular Army base for missions, training, and/or programming. Since I began to heal in 1997, I know it didn't happen after that year.

And, in a moment of slapping myself on my forehead, when I realized who Bailey represented, I recalled that was the name of the street we lived on during that time. Consciously I adored him. I can only hope he was as controlled as me and it was not his nature to do harm, as it was my father's.

It was this realization that my life WAS The Truman Show. All appeared normal but was very planned and directed.