Red hat babies

It wasn't difficult to see that these images went together. I think what's most important to know is that my alters did this. Out of stacks and stacks of images, when it was time for me to notice the images with the red hats, I did. I received internal messages about some of the meaning once they were put together. It's internal communication in a most inexplicable manner.

Janie to age 11....to Jane Doe

Janie first appears as a young girl about 4 years old. Always with "Mikey".

I had an "upside down" world and both Janie and Mikey were in it. They are shown as adults in the top picture which I didn't understand until much later.



Somewhere in my vast collection of images is a picture of Mikey in an identical pose: balancing books on his head. However, Janie is "making the grade" and Mikey needs tutoring. I have a very involved memory of Mikey's "death" at age 11. Notice the pattern with Janie being "American Girl" in the next pictures.



Possibly there was frightened little Janie and 11 year old Janie. The smaller Janie is shown with a wishbone. She is now separated from Mikey. In real life, I moved at age 11 overseas with military family.



I can't tell you exactly what this means but notice how images were matched by color and symbols. "Jane Doe" has the same sign as the lower left grouping. The capitol building appears in the bottom three images. Does Jane Doe mean she is unknown or dead? She goes with government, whatever that means. Logically, I think "pushing the envelope" was literally about handing messages in envelopes or relaying messages. I also have lived in a state capitol since 1967.

I mentioned in my other blog that Mikey came up in later memories as my cousin who was born a month later than me. I have pictures of us together as infants. He claims to have no trauma memory. My belief is the image of older Jane and Mikey in the tree means we are still alive as adults...which we are.

And, as recently learned, Jane is my now completely integrated core and I am part of her. I'm the culmination of all the integrated alters who integrated into Jane last week. I don't share her subconscious memories of all of the trauma, but she is tapped into all of my conscious memories. Together, we are one Grace.

Gender Identity Confusion

Click images to enlarge to read ad above and see detail of image below.

Just two of my many earlier messages regarding gender confusion. The first message was not all men have penises. That prepared me for being convinced that I was a boy in the dissociated world once not having a penis became a nonissue. It took forever to understand this very complicated mind game played with me.

The inside story of ME

The last two standing.

A connection to Ellie (naked & little hair).

ME and Ellie together as one. My hairstyle.


Me prior to 2007 medical disaster.

I had indicated my next post would feature Jane. Instead, by design (since there are no accidents in my world), I came across pictures of Christy Turlington online today. She became the internal identity for whom I knew as an early identified female protector. She first went by several names, which was confusing. She then became M.E. (distinct separation of letters & pronounced "Emmie") and finally ME. She is both part of me and my inner wisdom or higher self, hence the "upper" case letters. Her internal job was caring for the littles. Once a new little or littles were found, she would take them to a still unknown internal healing place. ME had a lovely healing light surrounding her. She felt like a loving internal sister.

I have many images of ME. It was her image on the cover of Elle shown above that I took with me to my hairdresser in 2004, the year I decided to rid myself of my constantly annoying naturally curly hair and have it professionally straightened. Her haircut became my haircut. It's not much different now. This is how my insiders have always viewed "me". Of course, I have always felt much younger inside. *g* Thought this might be an interesting healing post.

While putting these images together, it became my validation that Jane was the original child and Ellie was the first split. My healing has tended to be backwards of what was done to me (not always an apparent message). The message of the the above images is "ME split" and one was Ellie (LE). Maybe one day I'll figure out about the names that were just letters.

Ellie knows trauma

I don't know what the gold ball means. I just know these are both Ellie. No specific meaning goes with them.

This represents traumatic silencing to me.


I'm not sure I want to know what Ellie is remembering in this collage.


I did not know what the head gear represented initially. It is a stereotactic instrument that keeps the skull still during brain surgery. Wtf?



Ellie beginning to heal. Aside from appearing bald, she nearly always appeared naked. This ad shows her with hair...a sign of beginning to heal. Amazingly, the small print speaks of the journey of turtles. Turtles have gone with her since some of her first images. Perhaps why I now own a turtle and honor them?


This selection of collages and images are but a few of the strange and disturbing trauma remembered by Ellie. This last collage originally had a blank right bottom corner. I added the photo of her healed and looking confident...and clothed. The top images still upset me.

In my integration earlier this week, Ellie reunited with Jane who will be featured in the next post. Janie grew up to be Jane. Ellie has always appeared as an adult even though she was likely created by the time I was 3.

Hard Candy

Starting off slowly to show how my system introduced me to themselves. Understand I had a room with piles of pictures torn out from magazines. Most adult alters came from fashion magazines. In every case, after digging through piles of pictures, eventually I would see a pattern or "recognize" someone I'd seen in a previous picture and go scavaging. Is this the same model? I have no idea. But there is no doubt the pictures belong with this one alter.

Notice the words "hair candy" and "hard candy" on the first two ads. It's hard to believe there would be two ads with someone with that facial expression in the world. Also, I have no pictures of a full body...just her head. Names of alters were given to me. I didn't make them up. Names weren't always reflected on the images but often were. This is Hard Candy. You can see the trauma in the first two pictures and the serenity of having healed in the third picture.

Incorrigible One

I was very pleased to know this little was part of me. I hope she was out a LOT when the perps were around.