How magazine images, life photos, and collages helped alters communicate and allowed me to meet insiders. Watching an alter heal through images was one of the blessings of my journey.
Survivor Art Warning
Keep in mind that survivor art is not about beauty. It reveals trauma...sometimes in a subtle way. Sometimes rather graphically. The beauty, to me, is in being a witness to my own healing from the images given to me by formerly traumatized and even suicidal alters.
Please use caution in viewing this site. I'm proud to be sufficiently healed to share this art (most of which was done from 1997 to 2000). All depicted in the images have integrated. This is me when I was "we".
Please use caution in viewing this site. I'm proud to be sufficiently healed to share this art (most of which was done from 1997 to 2000). All depicted in the images have integrated. This is me when I was "we".
2.26.2011
Bailey
This was a very early collage when I began playing with textures and doing artistic sets. This is Derek Jeter who has represented a perp in my life. I didn't know that until about six years ago. He was the neighbor who took over as my handler when my parents retired and moved to another state. My earlier handmade collages of Bailey show he was prominent in my life but I didn't understand. He always is with a "propeller".
I have been in my current location since the late 60s with the exception of Air Force time. The other day I was matching my father's career locations with history of those locations as well as any CIA involvement. In the late 60s, when we first moved here, the Army base where we were stationed was known for repairing Chinook helicopters from Vietnam...especially the rotor blades! Building hangars was mentioned to house the Chinooks.
Aside from Bailey having a rotor blade as an eye, the "texture" of the art is airplane metal. I think I can safely assume that he took me to that particular Army base for missions, training, and/or programming. Since I began to heal in 1997, I know it didn't happen after that year.
And, in a moment of slapping myself on my forehead, when I realized who Bailey represented, I recalled that was the name of the street we lived on during that time. Consciously I adored him. I can only hope he was as controlled as me and it was not his nature to do harm, as it was my father's.
It was this realization that my life WAS The Truman Show. All appeared normal but was very planned and directed.
2.22.2011
222
32/50 Play nice by grace2244 (in repair) on Polyvore.com
This set came up "accidentally" today but the message is appropriate. February 22 has been a bad day for me in my dissociated life. Words were written beneath this on Polyvore indicating some things were worth fighting for. When I recall what used to happen on this date, healing was definitely worth the painful journey and always swimming upstream.
12.05.2010
Someone New
Recently the woman in black with the pink background showed up in several sets. The first set shown is one I did just thinking I was randomly using a model. The second set seemed as if the model on pink went with the bicycle wheel with pink petals. Finally I did the set which told me she was part of my subconscious world.
Since realizing she was one of me, I created two more sets until I identified her. I knew her from 1997 and magazine collages. She's my adult "Invisible Annie".
11.22.2010
Profile Art Reflects Healing
Pretty Healing by grace2244 (catch up mode) on Polyvore.com
The top image was a self-portrait from about a month ago. I found the red door in the neck to be interesting. Dark but light coming through. I've working intensely on healing from a part of me who had remained hidden until within a week of my birthday three days ago.
My previous two integrations happened on my birthday so I knew this part of me was going to heal either by merging/blending/integrating. I'm not sure the term matters. I didn't feel anything in particular but my struggling depression seemed to lift immensely on the 19th and has stayed that way. Three good days in a row is a celebration. Am hoping it's a permanent good change. Don't think too many secrets hidden that go with alters not yet found.
I did the second portrait yesterday. Face is taped together...happier color, but still not completely healed shown by the split at the top. One side with a flower, the other rather dark. Still, feel like the broken healing of 2007 is nearly repaired plus I reached this new level of healing I may not have found without the new trauma a few years ago...not that I welcome any trauma. Just happy for the deeper healing.
11.10.2010
Not A Creature Was Stirring
This is a selection of sets that I initially just saw as Alice in Wonderland programming...lots of tea. But it was a real life experience in the past year that brought the meaning to me. Each morning I had my espresso and delighted in my tiny espresso spoons and stirring up the chocolate in the bottom of my morning caffeine.
Likely over the course of several months it dawned on me that I would stir my espresso and the next thing I knew I was on Polyvore and had forgotten to drink my espresso. Was always getting up to reheat it in the microwave. I was able to ask myself to show me what was happening. The last set in this post was my answer. Staring into the swirling of stirring my espresso caused me to dissociate if only a few seconds to blank out that I even wanted to drink it.
I was able to go back through many other sets with tea showing me dissociating from swirling steam or something else related to tea or coffee. It actually still happens but I try to remember not to look into the cup while I stir. Simple things that caused me to become someone else in the past. Thank goodness no harm comes from it now except for having cold espresso...or tea.
Labels:
dissociation,
programming,
signal,
switching,
trigger
9.16.2010
Project Endometriosis
A creative arts therapist based in Australia is having an actual gallery focused on endometriosis. Abuse survivors tend to have many health issues focused in the pelvic region including endometriosis. I was inspired to do my own collage based on the project through Polyvore.
I found it helpful to release thoughts on my own experience through art and recommend others who share this issue do the same.
For those who would like to learn more about it, here is the link to Project Endometriosis
I found it helpful to release thoughts on my own experience through art and recommend others who share this issue do the same.
For those who would like to learn more about it, here is the link to Project Endometriosis
9.13.2010
P.O.W.
Wondering if I'll ever know why Vietnam is a continuous theme in my memories. And why did 9/11 set off memories of that time?
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