The New Jane

Jane's New World - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

I wondered who this was. Jane has always been very properly dressed and well coiffed. Apparently since our fusion she's gotten comfy in casual. I never know what the collage will be as I start. I felt the release in this one--remembering the trauma but finally achieving a true life. You can see her loves are the little things. Even that gorgeous little view out the window in Tuscany.

Divine Feminine

Divine Feminine - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com


Now that my "male" system has healed and fused, I'm feeling and seeing the acceptance of my own femininity. I'm still the same. I've gone overboard with pink for the past few years but my style hasn't changed. Of course, these past two years, my wardrobe has been predominantly jammies. Over 100 collages. Blogs are still suffering. Will be back with regular posts as soon as my brain lets me.

In the meantime, it's nice to see what is going on inside for all to heal and accept one mind, one body.

Underground

Underground by grace2244

Since realizing what my life had been following onset of memories in 1997, I began to question the vacations I chose to take. It's my belief that my feeling obsessed to take a vacation on my own was likely a mission. In 1985 I took a bus tour from London through the beautiful English countryside ending up back in London. I've started to understand some of my "clue" images, but choose not to grasp what I might have been doing. Near one of the overnight stops was Menwith Hill, a military base shown in the collage on the right. What look like golf balls are satellites. My understanding is it is an NSA base where they do the same job I had been trained to do in the Air Force a decade earlier.

Their mission, all expenses paid by me. Possibly another reason for dissociative couriers or whatever the heck we did. No paychecks. I paid for everything connected with my trips thinking it was my idea. They always made perfect since at the time... FWIW, my vacation began from Philadelphia on July 4. Wimbledon was in progress that week. And my main mission for my one day in London was to buy a Burberry raincoat. I accomplished that objective and also bought a bag. I think Burberry's was my contact point. I spoke obsessively about that coat for months before the actual vacation. It rained so hard that day, they stopped the tennis and covered the courts. My recollection is I spent a lot longer in Burberry's than intended and wondered how it had gotten so late. hmmm.

A Different Kind of Zen Space

Zen Space by grace2244

After overflowing with several trauma collages, it was lovely to work on this today.

Hidden Worlds

Hidden Worlds by grace2244

When I first began earnest work on undoing my conditioning, I became aware of a very complex internal structure with hidden passages and doorways and levels. I love this collage. My hope is that any path taken in my internal world now is one to beauty. It is my wish for all who suffer from the plague of a lifetime of abuse to eventually get to this place.

Rhino helps see inner wisdom

When these rhino images began to appear, I was initially apprehensive as to their meaning. About 10 years ago an insurance commercial on television had a rhino charging a little girl in a field (the same time as I was collecting the images). At first I started to scream, but when the rhino stopped in front of the child and the little girl pet it, I burst into tears. I've since learned that the rhino was how my female inner wisdom ME first appeared to me.

Interestingly, people with a rhino totem have a heightened sense of smell. The sense of smell is symbolic of higher discrimination, spiritual idealism and higher wisdom and rhino gives all of these to their totem people. Trust your inner wisdom. Don’t look at appearance only – go beyond and trust your internal senses. Rhino will help you see the wisdom in your life.

A survivor's never-ending struggle

Hope by grace2244

Dragonfly

Before I die, I want this to be known. Those who know of the government programs impacting children in the 50s and 60s, this collage represents my basic understanding. While many have speculated about a Project Monarch, symbolized by the Monarch butterfly, my memories never came up with the word Monarch. It did come up with Dragonfly in such a huge way, I've been figuratively hit over the head with the message.

So much confusion goes with names and images and meanings, it is my belief that Project Monarch was actually a project known as Dragonfly. It included the gender confusion as a main component. I'll defer on government details because most tend to dismiss that material. It no longer matters to me at this point. It may help others. I would personally like to know if others have had similar messages. No one can confirm this for me. Of course the government won't. Therapists who know much of what has surfaced for government survivors aren't speaking either. Why do I know this? Why am I alive? I need this secret to be known. Or else all I have been through will have meant their secret went to the grave with me.


Dragonfly by grace2244

Memory validation through images

Today's post is a bit different. The topic is art but contradicts my objective not to write typical posts. This will be anything but typical but will have more text. First of all, I am including two photos. Each is of a type of snake. Even though snakes are icky to nearly every survivor, the point I'm making is how alters can have remarkable accuracy. If hearing the word snake is too upsetting, stop reading!

Within the first three years of healing, a memory surfaced that I had been placed in a sensory deprivation setting (i.e. a box) and covered with coral snakes which are deadly. I learned a lot from researching the contents of memories. The main question was how I survived having coral snakes on me even if I had some kind of paralysis drug that I didn't move. I looked up coral snake to see they look like this:
I recalled several pictures of snakes I had gathered that were all orange. I found all the images and the snakes looked the same to me which left me perplexed. One day on television I saw a commercial where a "milk snake" crawled up inside the pant leg of a man. I went a little nuts because it was an orange snake with black and white stripes. When I looked up milk snake, I found this image:

Milk snakes are harmless. Their defense is their resemblance to a coral snake. While it's difficult to tell from the photo, the coral snake has more of a yellow stripe than a white stripe. And the coral snakes have more red between the black stripes. I wouldn't want to have to consciously figure out which was which but there are some variations of a rhyme that help to tell them apart. One is:

Red and black, friend of Jack
Red and yellow, kill a fellow.

Understanding the difference, I retrieved my orange snake pictures. They were all milk snakes. Over a period of several years, anytime a picture of a milk snake appeared in a magazine, I took it for my stash until the meaning became known to me. In their trauma, the alters remembered the markings specifically. No coral snake image was included because it was not part of their trauma. While I was relieved to know I had been tricked, I can't imagine the fear I would have had as a child in that situation.

I may have stated in another blog that there was a pattern to some memories. I would be witness to some victim being killed (real or virtual or tricked) by a certain species of snake or spider or poisonous creature. I would then be confined to a small isolated area with what looked to be the same creature I just witnessed "kill" someone. Of course that served to greatly enhance the level of terror believing my death was imminent--apart from the fear of having such creatures crawl on me.

It took time to unravel that mystery, but the commercial combined with my photos demystified why I survived the close encounter with at least several deadly snakes. If I recall correctly, it was a camera commercial and the man immediately looked the snake up on the internet and had the same relief I did after seeing the commercial!

Nikki

I don't recall which picture I found first--Little or Adult Nikki. But when I saw the hat for the second picture, I plowed through my stacks to find the matching one. While I have many picture of Adult Nikki, I always like finding their little. Not all bigs have littles though or vice versa. This little looks like she has psychic abilities. I had no idea what a flash card was back in the late 90s!

Insight into my phone phobia

Obey by grace2244

The telephone was the primary instrument of conveying cues to me that caused another alter to come out and do something requested. Afterwards, I just picked up where I left off never knowing I had been anywhere else or made phone calls. I also used the phone to advise handlers/abusers of my whereabouts. It's still scary for me to answer any phone.

You can see how young I was when it started. I think I first learned tones and verbal cues which were relayed over the telephone when I was older.

Child's Play

Littles Safe Playtime by grace2244

Time for littles to learn and know "safe play". Both "safe" and "play" were part of the double language world. "Play a game" was a dreaded term by many survivors. The littles I have now I consider to be inner child. I imagine they will "gel" once they get to know each other and understand they are safe from the abuse of the past.

Jade

Jade by grace2244

Some images of Jade's past, but looks like she's healing nicely.

Current population of me

Population of State of Grace by grace2244

This is representative of my current state of being. Not much more than the few ego states most people have. You just don't zone out (likely) if another is taking control. It still shows three Graces, so possibly Grace as one embodies three of me. I'm the one at center left looking a little ditzy which is exactly how I've been. It's a pretty world :-) London is there because the Ian Fleming protector has a British accent. Yes, it's weird. But I love that he speaks that way.

State of Grace

State of Grace by grace2244

This collage is Grace showing me her life. To clarify any confusion, my first connection to the name was when I realized she was a part of me...one of many. In one of my earliest collages (in the late 90s) I show a little girl praying named Grace. The image was from behind. She was a shadow praying but about 4.

Though I didn't know what she looked like, I felt her. She's my Zen, loves pink, my muse. She became active after my first integration in 2000. Originally I had three graces. Now, I believe the last three adults on the lower right were her. One is wisdom, one is my femininity, one is my spirituality or helps in each of those areas. I didn't know when I gave myself the middle name of Grace that I would become Grace. Am liking being her.