Survivor Art Warning

Keep in mind that survivor art is not about beauty. It reveals trauma...sometimes in a subtle way. Sometimes rather graphically. The beauty, to me, is in being a witness to my own healing from the images given to me by formerly traumatized and even suicidal alters.

Please use caution in viewing this site. I'm proud to be sufficiently healed to share this art (most of which was done from 1997 to 2000). All depicted in the images have integrated. This is me when I was "we".


Tinman Evolution

Yesterday, out of nowhere, I created this Polyvore set:

It wasn't until the "veil" fell over her eyes when I added an item that I realized she is the Tinman healing. She's surrounded by signs of new growth and her face is revealed. I had to go back four years to find my original portraits of this part of me. Two were done. Am assuming it's the same part; otherwise, there are two who need to heal.

While obscured, the most recent set has a gear in the center of the forehead. Interesting that flowers surround both. I don't have a heart on the most recent one. I do believe the heart WAS the programming. That was broken, but apparently it didn't automatically allow the part to heal. Maybe she couldn't heal until my "Tinkerbelle" part healed, and she has just begun to move toward healing.

Only time will tell if the Tinman part will be safe to me internally. It would be very nice not to have to struggle against an unsafe part to undo programming so soon after the battle I've fought with undoing internal Neverland. The world of Disney lived within me.


Back to Wonderland?

Since my last post, I was able to undo that programming. However, something new began a few days ago that was very disconcerting. Actually I had found a collage done earlier this year showing "I must die" programming for my birthday next week. It's an even decade. I've been through so much of that, I usually don't worry about it. One of the parts rescued from undoing the last program was a mother part. I had my mother internalized several different ways. This one was subservient and loyal to the internal perp father part who was successfully made harmless.

With that in mind, yesterday I did this set called "Will She Return?" (to Wonderland).

There are many details in the set. Difficult to see is "Alice" holding the mirror that the woman is staring into. As I saved this to my computer, I realized I did a set the previous day with one of my two Alices (Keira Knightley).

This set was called "Unexpected Peace"; however, Wonderland was backwards. Peace would have meant the opposite. As I made the connection of these two sets my mind kept flashing images of my mother. And I had gotten the message "Mother and child reunion", from the song, but had no connection when I looked up the lyrics.

Following the first set shown above, I created this one called "Forced Back to Wonderland".

Actually, dandelions go with Oz which was "down the rabbit hole" from Wonderland. This frightened me. My insurance recently changed due to marriage and I have a new therapist whom I know but have yet to see as a patient. That will be soon. I sent her a note asking if she knew of anyone who had similar programming; specifically, could I fall apart and have that which had healed reappear. She said possibly programming related to mirrors. The first set I did has a mirror as a focal point! She also said it could be related to antimatter. Not long ago I had programming involving antimatter which disintegrates with light.

I went back through my sets and knew the woman on the left was a mother part and the one on the right was "Tink" who also went with my younger sister. Mother and daughter reunion. I eked as I realized their reunion would set off the program.

I know I can undo things inside by doing it with art. I began to make a new set starting with cutting the women who are joined as one into two separate women and placed a wall between them. Then I decided to use individual images of Tink and mother. Since it is Tink being forced back into Wonderland and appears nude in the set, I chose an image of her also nude. I'd been using the model Monica Belluci as mother part. Well actually I started using her and didn't know she was a mother part until about the 5th or 6th set I did with her. In addition to separating them with a wall, I gave each an aura of a different colored light so they could be safe individually but prevent them from merging.

After completing this set, I felt huge relief internally. I can never say never but Polyvore and the note from my new therapist helped me resolve this program. Am hoping I can at least have a week's break before I am forced into deprogram mode again. I'm 60 next week and it just doesn't stop.


Programming Revealed

I wrote about my internal journey in France in another blog. Much has been going on inside since my return. New parts emerging, new messages...all healing I thought. But I also have been feeling more and more lethargic since my return. Today especially. I'd been making Polyvore sets not knowing what they meant or even if they were connected. One part surfaced that I thought signified I no longer had any self-harm or hidden self-destruct programming. Apparently that was wrong.

Here are a few of my recent sets:


 I thought, after doing this last set, that an old program had started up because of the dandelion in lower left. So I did this set hoping to reveal more.

After doing this one, I could see the old program in the background but it looks shut down. The KA in lower left kept grabbing my attention. I looked up acronyms for KA to no avail and then took a nap. When I woke up, I googled "Ka element" thinking it was on the periodic table. What I found was that Ka is one of the five elements (fire of earth, wind, fire, etc.) in Japanese. Its meaning goes with strong life force, energy, what I know as Qi ("chi"). And I've been feeling so the opposite of energetic. I get an internal jolt when I have an answer and I got that jolt. A program to shut me down has gone off. I see how dead the last set is and how in previous sets I am going down.

I also noticed the set showing several of me inside with the round window on the right. The puzzle piece seems to be trying to push out the window. Almost like there was a slow carbon monoxide poisoning going on inside, I needed to get fresh air. Am in a huge dilemma at the moment being uninsured for the first time in my life waiting for my new insurance coverage since my marriage. A perfectly evil time for a program to go off. I have no one to go to for help. I thought I might be able to do a set showing what I'd like to happen inside to see if it might be internalized.

I broke open the window and have my alters on the other side in the fresh air. All I can do is wait and use my grounding skills and hope protectors inside are not shut down and can help undo this.


What Does It Mean?

I've come to learn that if I need to know what something means I can start an art set with the item and build a set around it. Since my last post with the hearts and pink stairs, I learned there was a split during a trauma when I was three years old. Her name is Rose and she will soon appear. Older sets showed  I'd had self-destruct programming if Rose ever integrated. I did a set showing the programming had been undone. But then I did these two sets showing an adult part of me, Ellie, and her connection to Rose.

Ellie's last memory of baby Rose.

Ellie (front) and Rose in background, healed and grown up, about to join the rest of us.

After seeing these sets together, I realized both had veils separating Ellie and Rose. I wanted to know if it was something dangerous I needed to deal with before the reunion. The name of the turquoise veil is "flutter" so I started the next set with the turquoise butterfly.

This put my mind to rest that the veil was the connection of their spirits. The blue and purple light in this set has always gone with the Gracie part of me who integrated in early June and also with Rose, showing their strong connection.

I'll be going to France on vacation soon and will write in my Healing From & Understanding DID blog about that experience.


Hearts, Love, and Pink Stairs

Since my last post on June 30, the newly emerged part of me seems to go with stairs and hearts and love. I'm still processing what is happening but these are the sets telling the story:

7/12/2012 Head in the Clouds

7/12/2012 New Growth

7/14/2012 Breaking the Barrier to Love

7/15/2012 Ascending

I've had other parts of me integrate through my heart and have felt a physical sensation when that happened. I don't know if that's what this means or perhaps she is ascending to one of my higher selves (inner wisdom). Only good feelings have been connected to her since she escaped her internal "prison".


Feeling the Freedom

Lately I have experienced some phenomenal healing. The following sets are representative of that feeling.

Just prior to feeling it internally, this set reflected the change about to happen.

When it happened, it felt "freeing". And I've felt more uplifted and have more energy since the change. While difficult to explain unless you've experienced life long depression, it finally feels that I have sufficient emotional strength to stay above the depression "pit" when bad or sad things happen. I'll take it for as long as I can. A beautiful gift in my life.


Names, Clarity, and Synchronicity

Each person with DID has their own healing process. From the beginning, I was led to the meaning of the names of alters. My Baby Name Book is far too highlighted. Often the meanings were part of my story, although sometimes no connection was made. This is what happened to me in the past week or so with an alter coming forward.

Kate was one of the first magazine images of an alter where I knew her name. I knew she went with rage. She moved into my internal healing place with the first few discovered alters but then vanished. She recently surfaced during a therapy session. Huge anger arose but I didn't make the connection until after the session. She was angry because the therapist seemed to be questioning what came up with my processing. In my mind, it is what it is at the time even though other information may surface connected to it. I could feel the anger in my voice defending my own process. This is the first Polyvore set. She looks very much like that original magazine image.

Crawling Out of the Shadows

Shortly after doing that set, I completed this one...someone with straight white hair. I had no idea what it meant or who she was. She is surrounded by sky aside from the prominent sniper crosshairs.

In the Crosshairs

Next came this image, also a woman with straight white hair.

Twinkle, Twinkle

Someone had asked me what it meant, but I had no idea. The next morning I awoke with my mind showing me images of an alter I knew by name from magazine images, Cassie. She had the straight white hair. Immediately I looked up the meaning of Cassie. The name goes with a constellation called Cassiopeia. According to Greek mythology, Cassie had spurned the advances of a god. He, in turn, tortured her by making it so anything she said would never be believed. Of course, this goes with the strong silencing programming those with DID tend to have.

This made perfect sense of the stars placed over her face as prominently as the crosshairs. Usually when one alter surfaces, those connected to him/her in some way also surface. I did not yet understand Cassie's connection to Kate. That came the next day. Again I awoke with my mind processing. I had been hearing the name Casey for a few days. My mind showed me K.C. which went with Kate and Cassie. When I looked up the meaning of Casey, it was shown to go with K.C. and also connected to the names Cassandra and Katerina! My synchronicity still astounds me.

The next message caused me to gasp audibly. It was Kate looking at Cassie through the crosshairs. Kate's job was to keep Cassie silenced in her galactic prison. But now that Kate had surfaced and was speaking her mind, she had released Cassie. The most recent Polyvore set of Cassie confirmed the message.

Free from her galactic prison

Instead of through crosshairs, Cassie was being viewed through a heart. I recalled in very early collages a young girl named Casey. She must have been split through trauma to create Kate and Cassie. They were part of the same being but turned against each other. I then saw the most recent episode of Covert Affairs on television where a CIA operative was ordered to turn two sisters against each other in hopes it would lead to needed information. The operative refused to do it knowing how fragile sister relationships can be. More synchronicity. Kate and Cassie needed to reunite to heal. This is the last set I've done of them to date.

K.C. 112411

I really don't know if they have become Casey again. I haven't felt any particular healing event but I know they are healing by the clutter in my mind while sleeping. Early in my Understanding DID blog, I speak of a fictional novel I wrote the year before my having DID became known. One of the characters was Cassie. She was sweet, kind, funny, good natured...Kate's opposite. It made me wonder if they balanced each other's emotions.

I also wonder, if Kate was the first I knew, if that means she is the last inside who needs to surface. It's a nice thought and a hopeful one. Only time will tell.