Tinman Evolution

Yesterday, out of nowhere, I created this Polyvore set:

It wasn't until the "veil" fell over her eyes when I added an item that I realized she is the Tinman healing. She's surrounded by signs of new growth and her face is revealed. I had to go back four years to find my original portraits of this part of me. Two were done. Am assuming it's the same part; otherwise, there are two who need to heal.

While obscured, the most recent set has a gear in the center of the forehead. Interesting that flowers surround both. I don't have a heart on the most recent one. I do believe the heart WAS the programming. That was broken, but apparently it didn't automatically allow the part to heal. Maybe she couldn't heal until my "Tinkerbelle" part healed, and she has just begun to move toward healing.

Only time will tell if the Tinman part will be safe to me internally. It would be very nice not to have to struggle against an unsafe part to undo programming so soon after the battle I've fought with undoing internal Neverland. The world of Disney lived within me.

Not A Creature Was Stirring

Does it ever stop? by grace2244 (so behind) on Polyvore.com

This is a selection of sets that I initially just saw as Alice in Wonderland programming...lots of tea. But it was a real life experience in the past year that brought the meaning to me. Each morning I had my espresso and delighted in my tiny espresso spoons and stirring up the chocolate in the bottom of my morning caffeine.

Likely over the course of several months it dawned on me that I would stir my espresso and the next thing I knew I was on Polyvore and had forgotten to drink my espresso. Was always getting up to reheat it in the microwave. I was able to ask myself to show me what was happening. The last set in this post was my answer. Staring into the swirling of stirring my espresso caused me to dissociate if only a few seconds to blank out that I even wanted to drink it.

I was able to go back through many other sets with tea showing me dissociating from swirling steam or something else related to tea or coffee. It actually still happens but I try to remember not to look into the cup while I stir. Simple things that caused me to become someone else in the past. Thank goodness no harm comes from it now except for having cold espresso...or tea.

Tea by grace2244 (so behind) featuring a trench coat

Tea by grace2244 (so behind) on Polyvore.com

March Hare by grace2244 (so behind) featuring silver tone jewelry

***Stirring things up by grace2244 (so behind) featuring an alex and ani

The next level of fusion

Warrior Woman - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Yesterday, the "true male" identity of Raven, who I know as Michael, fused into the entity of Grace (Jane & Ellie). Ellie had been split into male and female since I was 3. She was able to choose to keep her two separate identities instead of choosing one. I didn't know that Michael was still behind in the male system feeling lost and disconnected. That was my therapy session. Beautiful internal imagery of the fusion.

I love this collage. I do drum. I haven't in awhile but my drums are part of my spiritual environment. Guess my warrior woman is back. More posted about this in Grace Uncensored.

Landing in Zen

Landing in Zen - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Kind of neat just flopping out of trauma world directly on the path to calm and serenity.

Color coordinating clues

Fight Club Healing - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

This collage is a great example of color coordinated clues that accumulate out of conscious awareness. I had no idea I had so many yellow, red, and black items and people. The above was done yesterday. Today a collage revealed that Fight Club was my self-destruct Mickey Mouse Club programming. Mickey IS red, white, yellow, and black! Very difficult to explain. Neat when it happens.

During this current "flood" of memories and alter messages, answers are not coming in order but am "hearing" the connections or "getting" them as more comes up. Am sure I was meant to trigger this flooding if the fusion happened. I will be fine. Can't say it enough but am so grateful for having the artistic outlet to keep this flood under control. Lots of answers. Anyone watching United States of Tara? They are doing an admirable job. The therapist even refers to programming.

Intense shame ensures dissociation

Losing the game - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Hopefully the nudity won't offend anyone. The center row of the collage indicates being forced to be nude for many purposes included porn. I'm not sure what the roll of money represents. Judging from the picture it is near, possibly sold to the highest bidder for a night? The upper row shows me dissociating from the experiences. The lower row shows the awful shame and other feelings accompanying the exploitative activities.

The New Jane

Jane's New World - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

I wondered who this was. Jane has always been very properly dressed and well coiffed. Apparently since our fusion she's gotten comfy in casual. I never know what the collage will be as I start. I felt the release in this one--remembering the trauma but finally achieving a true life. You can see her loves are the little things. Even that gorgeous little view out the window in Tuscany.

Underground

Underground by grace2244

Since realizing what my life had been following onset of memories in 1997, I began to question the vacations I chose to take. It's my belief that my feeling obsessed to take a vacation on my own was likely a mission. In 1985 I took a bus tour from London through the beautiful English countryside ending up back in London. I've started to understand some of my "clue" images, but choose not to grasp what I might have been doing. Near one of the overnight stops was Menwith Hill, a military base shown in the collage on the right. What look like golf balls are satellites. My understanding is it is an NSA base where they do the same job I had been trained to do in the Air Force a decade earlier.

Their mission, all expenses paid by me. Possibly another reason for dissociative couriers or whatever the heck we did. No paychecks. I paid for everything connected with my trips thinking it was my idea. They always made perfect since at the time... FWIW, my vacation began from Philadelphia on July 4. Wimbledon was in progress that week. And my main mission for my one day in London was to buy a Burberry raincoat. I accomplished that objective and also bought a bag. I think Burberry's was my contact point. I spoke obsessively about that coat for months before the actual vacation. It rained so hard that day, they stopped the tennis and covered the courts. My recollection is I spent a lot longer in Burberry's than intended and wondered how it had gotten so late. hmmm.