Delayed life

Then & Now - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

I found this collage interesting. I see predetermined destiny from the womb knowing I might never remember. And, if I did, it would be too late to have a "real" life. My awakening at age 44 did lead to a genuine and conscious life by age 50. What happened in between only matters to understand what needs to heal.

Seeing the stark reality of not having a life with love or safety or free will for at least four decades of my life is sad. Am grateful to have a substantially emotionally healthier life now with the capacity to give and receive good and safe love. They didn't take that from me.

Dragonfly

Before I die, I want this to be known. Those who know of the government programs impacting children in the 50s and 60s, this collage represents my basic understanding. While many have speculated about a Project Monarch, symbolized by the Monarch butterfly, my memories never came up with the word Monarch. It did come up with Dragonfly in such a huge way, I've been figuratively hit over the head with the message.

So much confusion goes with names and images and meanings, it is my belief that Project Monarch was actually a project known as Dragonfly. It included the gender confusion as a main component. I'll defer on government details because most tend to dismiss that material. It no longer matters to me at this point. It may help others. I would personally like to know if others have had similar messages. No one can confirm this for me. Of course the government won't. Therapists who know much of what has surfaced for government survivors aren't speaking either. Why do I know this? Why am I alive? I need this secret to be known. Or else all I have been through will have meant their secret went to the grave with me.


Dragonfly by grace2244

Janie to age 11....to Jane Doe

Janie first appears as a young girl about 4 years old. Always with "Mikey".

I had an "upside down" world and both Janie and Mikey were in it. They are shown as adults in the top picture which I didn't understand until much later.



Somewhere in my vast collection of images is a picture of Mikey in an identical pose: balancing books on his head. However, Janie is "making the grade" and Mikey needs tutoring. I have a very involved memory of Mikey's "death" at age 11. Notice the pattern with Janie being "American Girl" in the next pictures.



Possibly there was frightened little Janie and 11 year old Janie. The smaller Janie is shown with a wishbone. She is now separated from Mikey. In real life, I moved at age 11 overseas with military family.



I can't tell you exactly what this means but notice how images were matched by color and symbols. "Jane Doe" has the same sign as the lower left grouping. The capitol building appears in the bottom three images. Does Jane Doe mean she is unknown or dead? She goes with government, whatever that means. Logically, I think "pushing the envelope" was literally about handing messages in envelopes or relaying messages. I also have lived in a state capitol since 1967.

I mentioned in my other blog that Mikey came up in later memories as my cousin who was born a month later than me. I have pictures of us together as infants. He claims to have no trauma memory. My belief is the image of older Jane and Mikey in the tree means we are still alive as adults...which we are.

And, as recently learned, Jane is my now completely integrated core and I am part of her. I'm the culmination of all the integrated alters who integrated into Jane last week. I don't share her subconscious memories of all of the trauma, but she is tapped into all of my conscious memories. Together, we are one Grace.