The Art Journey of Grace

Names, Clarity, and Synchronicity

2011-11-25T17:49:00.000-05:00

Each person with DID has their own healing process. From the beginning, I was led to the meaning of the names of alters. My Baby Name Book is far too highlighted. Often the meanings were part of my story, although sometimes no connection was made. This is what happened to me in the past week or so with an alter coming forward.

Kate was one of the first magazine images of an alter where I knew her name. I knew she went with rage. She moved into my internal healing place with the first few discovered alters but then vanished. She recently surfaced during a therapy session. Huge anger arose but I didn't make the connection until after the session. She was angry because the therapist seemed to be questioning what came up with my processing. In my mind, it is what it is at the time even though other information may surface connected to it. I could feel the anger in my voice defending my own process. This is the first Polyvore set. She looks very much like that original magazine image.

Crawling Out of the Shadows by grace2244 on polyvore.com

Shortly after doing that set, I completed this one...someone with straight white hair. I had no idea what it meant or who she was. She is surrounded by sky aside from the prominent sniper crosshairs.

In the Crosshairs by grace2244 on polyvore.com

Next came this image, also a woman with straight white hair.

Twinkle, Twinkle by grace2244 on polyvore.com

Someone had asked me what it meant, but I had no idea. The next morning I awoke with my mind showing me images of an alter I knew by name from magazine images, Cassie. She had the straight white hair. Immediately I looked up the meaning of Cassie. The name goes with a constellation called Cassiopeia. According to Greek mythology, Cassie had spurned the advances of a god. He, in turn, tortured her by making it so anything she said would never be believed. Of course, this goes with the strong silencing programming those with DID tend to have.

This made perfect sense of the stars placed over her face as prominently as the crosshairs. Usually when one alter surfaces, those connected to him/her in some way also surface. I did not yet understand Cassie's connection to Kate. That came the next day. Again I awoke with my mind processing. I had been hearing the name Casey for a few days. My mind showed me K.C. which went with Kate and Cassie. When I looked up the meaning of Casey, it was shown to go with K.C. and also connected to the names Cassandra and Katerina! My synchronicity still astounds me.

The next message caused me to gasp audibly. It was Kate looking at Cassie through the crosshairs. Kate's job was to keep Cassie silenced in her galactic prison. But now that Kate had surfaced and was speaking her mind, she had released Cassie. The most recent Polyvore set of Cassie confirmed the message.

Free from her galactic prison by grace2244 on polyvore.com

Instead of through crosshairs, Cassie was being viewed through a heart. I recalled in very early collages a young girl named Casey. She must have been split through trauma to create Kate and Cassie. They were part of the same being but turned against each other. I then saw the most recent episode of Covert Affairs on television where a CIA operative was ordered to turn two sisters against each other in hopes it would lead to needed information. The operative refused to do it knowing how fragile sister relationships can be. More synchronicity. Kate and Cassie needed to reunite to heal. This is the last set I've done of them to date.

K.C. 112411 by grace2244 featuring crystal hair accessories

I really don't know if they have become Casey again. I haven't felt any particular healing event but I know they are healing by the clutter in my mind while sleeping. Early in my Understanding DID blog, I speak of a fictional novel I wrote the year before my having DID became known. One of the characters was Cassie. She was sweet, kind, funny, good natured...Kate's opposite. It made me wonder if they balanced each other's emotions.

I also wonder, if Kate was the first I knew, if that means she is the last inside who needs to surface. It's a nice thought and a hopeful one. Only time will tell.

Healing the Program

2011-09-11T18:12:00.000-04:00

After completing the art shown in the previous post, I had a therapy session. The result was finding the two Belle's who turned out to be much younger than depicted in the art. They very much wanted to be together and quickly hugged each other blending into one...a very emotional reunion. They were then rescued through internal imagery.

Lke A Star by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Belle relayed they (the split Belles) were made to lock the mother in a prison. An internal search ensued, her prison was found, and mother (as one being) was rescued. She appeared as totally collapsed and was moved to internal hospital. Little Belle held her hand until she woke up and smiled. Belle was taken to a safe healing place.

This is the art I did showing mother introject healing in a beautiful place.

Saved By The Belles by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

After processing the end of this program and realizing that the method of death disclosed would have implicated my partner, I was once again horrified by the evil of those who placed such actions into my being. Normal people likely see things like "suicide programming" as an overdramatization. However, it is very much a part of healing and becomes "normal" to us mind control survivors. My last set comes from that thinking...how much more programming must I undo as I continue this journey called healing.

What Lies Beneath? by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

New Self-Destruct Program Emerging

2011-09-03T13:46:00.001-04:00

I had thought the suicide programming the emerged earlier this year following my father's death had been completely dismantled. The art for that program didn't begin to appear until I was within the safe confines of the trauma center. Recently I began to hear messages inside reminding me of past failures in my conscious life and gut wrenching moments I had long forgotten. It was odd because I have been in a very good place emotionally. The messages were coming up when I was doing my positive guided imagery. This is the first set I did expressing the drastic split I was feeling emotionally.

Fighting Myself by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Immediately after completing the set, I felt compelled to do a set showing women with nets over their face. I had kept a category of just that begun two years ago. It was there I found a mother image and realized the messages/programming went with her.

Surprise from Mother by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

The third set is rather odd and I don't grasp the whole meaning. But it is the first set to show mother split in two and very programmed. I believe the F stands for father since he did control her. Writing on a face has come to mean programming and only one has writing on her face. Makes me wonder if the one twin has freed herself. I saw the tear in the black net in the very first set as an opening in the programming.

Behind the Scenes by grace2244

The fourth set was created using the category I had created for models who reminded me of my mother. Again it shows the split. They both look so dissociated. In real life, I loved my mother and she was kind and supportive, rarely angry. We always made up with "I love yous" after we did argue. But she was also controlled by father and had at least some role when I was in a dissociative state. Oddly, in the metaphorical language of my art clues, the hat she is wearing meant CIA. I do believe my father was CIA (which ran MK-Ultra). She looks hypnotized by the peacock. As with me, if another part was "out", conscious me was completely "out of it". I believe mother in pink is conscious world mother internalized.

Guarding the Nest by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Following is the first to show any programming information. It seems to have more to do with bicycles and the Ace of Spades might be metaphorical for signal or date or event. I know metaphorically bicycles represent babies. The "harelquin/joker" on the red card is me. The cards lead to the broken bicycle. And I am my mother's "baby".

In the Cards #4 090211 by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

The next set shows me veiled in darkness and conscious mother is veiled. Both mother figures look very sad. I think the internal messages are literally meant to bury me in dark thoughts to the point where I take me own life. I've been able to shift thinking when I notice it happening but also notice how inside I am feeling more and more depressed. I am seeing my therapist very soon and hope to uncover more programming details through art before seeing her.

Veiled in Secrecy by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

The final programming set I have completed so far is difficult to look at but shows the ultimate objective that must be dismantled very soon.

Final Destination by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

In keeping with the harlequin theme of the set showing me as the target, *I* did this set...hopefully walking away from it.

Wishing It Was All Behind Her by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

To be continued...

Grace 101

2011-06-24T14:57:00.000-04:00

For awhile I've done some sets with white horses and recently a flying white horse that goes with a young Buddha. This past weekend I realized I had changed. I felt stronger emotionally and even energetic. Part can be attributed to going off a medication but the bigger message is that I healed from "three graces" to two. It was only through my Polyvore sets that I figured out who this part of me was.

Snow Buddha by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Contemplating Her Duality by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Sharing the crown of my Grace by grace2244 (kinda here) featuring TIARA jewelry

I have written of the very beginning of my healing journey about the 5-year-old part of me whom I knew since I was age 5. She remained that age. She was my secret. I knew it wasn't "normal" to have a part like her with me. She became disruptive in my adult relationships though and worked with her in therapy. She integrated just prior to my knowing there were others inside and that I had DID. She was an obstinate little blonde girl whom I adored. I cried when she integrated.

Dandelion Wishes by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

She did show up in collages as an adult. She went with carousel horses then. Now she is with spiritual creatures...winged and beautiful. She has a Grace Kelly-ish appearance which accounts for the retro fashion. A strong protector as her 5-year-old self, it was her job to take me out of a conscious state on command. Now returned as a healed and healthy protector with all of her good energy, I feel so happy she has returned to be on the outside with me.

Perhaps my final state will be a duality. This journey keeps going, so all I can do is speculate. Am looking forward to the boost of Qi and feeling good about life again.

Follow the Fence

2011-05-30T13:41:00.000-04:00

Most of the sets with the fence item are included in the next post "Follow the Leader". I know from my own processing that the same item in a number of sets mean they go together. When I get all the ones together with the similar item they tell a story. But I don't get a story until I get to the right set...and more may be coming. If you look at the previous post, you will see the fence item clearly in the last set where Neverland becomes Winterland. Yesterday I did this set:

Running Away by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

When it dawned on me this morning that the fence had been an item in Neverland, I went back to see the sets and gasped when I saw this one again:

By the pond 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

The little girl who I called "Running Away" is on the other side of the fence. The safe world is unknown to her. Just in case she was really lost, I asked inside for her to be rescued. Sweet little girl. I hope she is okay now.

Follow the Leader

2011-05-21T17:29:00.000-04:00

I had undone harmful programming as shown in my last post. But other programming surfaced shortly afterwards involving "Tinkerbelles" whose job was to cause me to suicide by pills. I have a safety plan for that. And I thought my therapist and I undid that second round of programming a few days ago. Then last night a Polyvore set showed me there was a third wave of this suicide program. I was at my wits end.

This morning I was determined to ask questions inside to help me stop the program using Polyvore sets to communicate. My protector told me to just do what I was guided to do without speaking to others inside or questioning. I did as I was told although I did place questions beneath my processing sets. It told the story of the cycle and then showed me the ingenious solution.

Where do I go from here? 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Processing 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

By the pond 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Evolving 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Bound by mist & veils 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Pollinating the field 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) featuring pearl hair accessories

Winterland 052111 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

The original program went with "Neverland"...never ending program possibly. I recall creating the winter world over the milkweed field but I guess I didn't logically cover all areas of the system and it came undone. I needed the entire cycle shut down...the bees, the pollination, the repopulation of the Tinkerbelle alters through the pollination. One was always waiting in the wings if I survived either a suicide attempt or Tinkerbelle made the choice to heal. Time will tell if this worked. Since Spencer guided it, am guessing it will. Makes me wonder what other programming still lies within me waiting to be triggered into action.

For now, I think I'll enjoy knowing my Neverland is now a safe Winterland within myself.

Uncovering Suicidal Programming

2011-05-11T11:59:00.000-04:00

My last post was four days prior to my admitting myself to the trauma unit at the Psychiatric Institute of DC because of revealing through art that my suicide attempt (see blog posts at Forbidden Topic) was the first in a series of alters, each with programmed with a different method of suicide. I became terrified to be in my body, fearing another alter would take over and do something far more frightening than taking pills.

I had a one-on-one counselor twice a week who did hypnotherapy differently than my own therapist and took me to a different level of consciousness. The Polyvore sets I did after seeing him showed me some of what he ran into when I "wasn't there". I did stay connected to him the day he asked Spencer what the plan was. I did know Spencer had a plan for undoing the dangerous programming and needed Dr. Doyle's help; however, I did not know the plan. The Polyvore sets that came up after he asked Spencer directly provided Dr. Doyle and me with the answers.

These are the sets in the order they came up:

Wondering... 040411 by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Initially I could only sense Jose Delgado (represented by Johnnie Depp...JD (!)). It was terrifying. This showed me two girls were behind the JD facade. I knew it represented my sisters. After doing this set, I received the internal message from Spencer that the sisters had blocked his (Spencer's) voice but they could hear Dr. Doyle. Spencer needed Dr. Doyle to unbind the sisters from the programming.

The next set:

***Livvy & Lizzie Bound in Suicide Programming by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

This clearly showed the sisters were bound to each other and were trauma bonded to Delgado. The bubbles (from internal translation) meant an ability by the alters to create an aneurysm or cause my heart to stop. Scary stuff. However, it also shows sister on right praying and wanting out of her chains. The sister on left has hands that say "serve him" and a look that says she is ready to proceed with the programming.

***The Plan 040511 by grace2244 (kinda here) featuring by auds brooches

The chain between the sisters is broken. Delgado is "marked" with Mickey Mouse (the satan/controller from the underground). The next day I did a collage in group therapy with magazine images showing me again the sisters were separated along with a phrase that included the word "play". An earlier collage done my second day at the Center also showed someone trapped with a phrase including the word play.

The program went off the next day in group therapy when the facilitator began the session by saying, "Today, let's play a game." The art was telling me "play" was a trigger word for the program. I felt an alter "fly" into the back of my neck and feared I would die any second from an aneurism. What I realized later is only one of the sisters proceeded with the programming and she didn't have the power to hurt the body more than to scratch with her/my nails on my arm. The chain had been broken. The other sister had chosen to resist.

The next session with Dr. Doyle, he was able to calm the internal chaos down and I saw the sisters embracing each other inside. Huge relief followed:

Freedom by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Thank goodness for internal communication and communication through art.

Parting of the C's

2011-03-20T12:18:00.003-04:00

I suppose I get clues like this because of lack of brain connections so inside messages have to use the connections known to work. Puzzle pieces. I did so many Sadie sets on Polyvore yesterday trying to get to answers about her. Sadie is the alter who took the overdose last Sunday night. Sets began to show keys and locks. While searching for a specific work of art on Google, I came across the Coco Chanel logo (two Cs overlapped in the center) with a gold key in the intersection. I used the image in a set.

This was a set I did to show Sadie we could be apart and love each other. She didn't always have to be connected to me. It's the first set showing a key (a key to separating Sadie and me). The next set I did was trying to duplicate as best I could an image I had cut from a magazine for a very early collage. It explained why I sensed Sadie was unable to talk. Notice how close the lips of the white self are to the key. This became something I pondered for quite awhile.

The set where I first used the Chanel logo went with an assassin part (I was the target). But the key in the center of the Cs would stop the programming.

The next set I did I wanted to find the Cs separated but had to settle for a clearer version of the logo and used the two hearts with the letters C to show a loving separation. I had taken my sleep meds and this was the last set I did before going to bed. Was showing it to Brian and said I needed to find a safe way to separate the Cs. ding ding ding. "The parting of the seas." Brian said Moses said it. I went to bed thinking about Moses parting the Cs.

I didn't figure out what "Moses" meant but asked Spencer if it was okay to remove the key that was blocking the Cs from separating. He said it was okay. But my mind was thinking the set with the heart and key over the mouth. As I unlocked the heart it fell down and I caught it by quickly moving my right hand and catching it against my upper chest...right where the other heart is in the image. I held two keys and two hearts in my hand. I wondered if they should be destroyed or transformed. I didn't want a red bird but I knew I wanted a peaceful image. So I saw two white doves flying away each with a heart locket around it's neck...like a keepsake necklace.

It took Sadie awhile to speak because her mouth had been closed for so long. She seemed surprised that we were both okay and said she loved me in a very soft spoken voice. We hugged. I fell asleep. When I woke up this morning I looked at the set again:

Last night I hadn't noticed the face at all within the Chanel logo top left. I had adjusted the key numerous times thinking only design...so it didn't look like it was off the page at the top. But this morning I was stunned to see the face and the placement of the key right on the lips. Love was the key.

But before I came downstairs I was thinking about Moses again. Backwards was Ses-um. Sounded like Cesium...a dangerous chemical. Then I get the Disney cats from Lady & The Tramp singing "we are Siamese if you please". Sadie somehow was made to believe we were Siamese twins and if she separated from me we would both perish. Here is the set showing how she viewed us:

Sadie sees the lie now. I explained we could only have been Siamese twins if we had been born together in the same womb. The key is gone. We are separated. Am praying our safe separation disconnected the back up programming. "The truth shall set you free" (?).

Moses to Siamese. Parting of the Cs. Am glad Sadie is okay. Still not feeling completely safe. I do feel I need more coping skills for this intense stuff triggered by father's death. And who knows what will surface when Delgado dies. I want to be safe. And I want to live to cherish the friendships I have made and my new family.

Bailey

2011-02-26T15:51:00.001-05:00

This was a very early collage when I began playing with textures and doing artistic sets. This is Derek Jeter who has represented a perp in my life. I didn't know that until about six years ago. He was the neighbor who took over as my handler when my parents retired and moved to another state. My earlier handmade collages of Bailey show he was prominent in my life but I didn't understand. He always is with a "propeller".

I have been in my current location since the late 60s with the exception of Air Force time. The other day I was matching my father's career locations with history of those locations as well as any CIA involvement. In the late 60s, when we first moved here, the Army base where we were stationed was known for repairing Chinook helicopters from Vietnam...especially the rotor blades! Building hangars was mentioned to house the Chinooks.

Aside from Bailey having a rotor blade as an eye, the "texture" of the art is airplane metal. I think I can safely assume that he took me to that particular Army base for missions, training, and/or programming. Since I began to heal in 1997, I know it didn't happen after that year.

And, in a moment of slapping myself on my forehead, when I realized who Bailey represented, I recalled that was the name of the street we lived on during that time. Consciously I adored him. I can only hope he was as controlled as me and it was not his nature to do harm, as it was my father's.

It was this realization that my life WAS The Truman Show. All appeared normal but was very planned and directed.

222

2011-02-22T13:34:00.004-05:00

32/50 Play nice by grace2244 (in repair) on Polyvore.com

This set came up "accidentally" today but the message is appropriate. February 22 has been a bad day for me in my dissociated life. Words were written beneath this on Polyvore indicating some things were worth fighting for. When I recall what used to happen on this date, healing was definitely worth the painful journey and always swimming upstream.

Someone New

2010-12-05T18:58:00.000-05:00

Recently the woman in black with the pink background showed up in several sets. The first set shown is one I did just thinking I was randomly using a model. The second set seemed as if the model on pink went with the bicycle wheel with pink petals. Finally I did the set which told me she was part of my subconscious world.

Since realizing she was one of me, I created two more sets until I identified her. I knew her from 1997 and magazine collages. She's my adult "Invisible Annie".

Profile Art Reflects Healing

2010-11-22T22:19:00.000-05:00

Emerging from Broken by grace2244 (catch up mode) on Polyvore.com

Pretty Healing by grace2244 (catch up mode) on Polyvore.com

The top image was a self-portrait from about a month ago. I found the red door in the neck to be interesting. Dark but light coming through. I've working intensely on healing from a part of me who had remained hidden until within a week of my birthday three days ago.

My previous two integrations happened on my birthday so I knew this part of me was going to heal either by merging/blending/integrating. I'm not sure the term matters. I didn't feel anything in particular but my struggling depression seemed to lift immensely on the 19th and has stayed that way. Three good days in a row is a celebration. Am hoping it's a permanent good change. Don't think too many secrets hidden that go with alters not yet found.

I did the second portrait yesterday. Face is taped together...happier color, but still not completely healed shown by the split at the top. One side with a flower, the other rather dark. Still, feel like the broken healing of 2007 is nearly repaired plus I reached this new level of healing I may not have found without the new trauma a few years ago...not that I welcome any trauma. Just happy for the deeper healing.

Not A Creature Was Stirring

2010-11-10T12:40:00.002-05:00

Does it ever stop? by grace2244 (so behind) on Polyvore.com

This is a selection of sets that I initially just saw as Alice in Wonderland programming...lots of tea. But it was a real life experience in the past year that brought the meaning to me. Each morning I had my espresso and delighted in my tiny espresso spoons and stirring up the chocolate in the bottom of my morning caffeine.

Likely over the course of several months it dawned on me that I would stir my espresso and the next thing I knew I was on Polyvore and had forgotten to drink my espresso. Was always getting up to reheat it in the microwave. I was able to ask myself to show me what was happening. The last set in this post was my answer. Staring into the swirling of stirring my espresso caused me to dissociate if only a few seconds to blank out that I even wanted to drink it.

I was able to go back through many other sets with tea showing me dissociating from swirling steam or something else related to tea or coffee. It actually still happens but I try to remember not to look into the cup while I stir. Simple things that caused me to become someone else in the past. Thank goodness no harm comes from it now except for having cold espresso...or tea.

Tea by grace2244 (so behind) featuring a trench coat

Tea by grace2244 (so behind) on Polyvore.com

March Hare by grace2244 (so behind) featuring silver tone jewelry

***Stirring things up by grace2244 (so behind) featuring an alex and ani

Project Endometriosis

2010-09-16T22:07:00.001-04:00

A creative arts therapist based in Australia is having an actual gallery focused on endometriosis. Abuse survivors tend to have many health issues focused in the pelvic region including endometriosis. I was inspired to do my own collage based on the project through Polyvore.

Project Endometriosis by grace2244 (kinda dazed) on Polyvore.com

I found it helpful to release thoughts on my own experience through art and recommend others who share this issue do the same.

For those who would like to learn more about it, here is the link to Project Endometriosis

P.O.W.

2010-09-13T11:22:00.001-04:00

Wondering if I'll ever know why Vietnam is a continuous theme in my memories. And why did 9/11 set off memories of that time?

P.O.W. by grace2244 (kinda dazed) on Polyvore.com

Artistic Impressions

2010-08-24T15:28:00.000-04:00

I seem to be processing a lot of the past as captured in a moment. This recent set is one of my favorites:

Overshadow by grace2244 (here but not here) on Polyvore.com

2010-04-06T16:21:00.000-04:00

Falling into Grace by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

I'll Catch You by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

After a day of doom and gloom sets on Saturday, these two sets emerged from me on Easter Sunday (4/4). It represents the fusion of Libby and me. I thought it meant the end of alters but already a highly sexual inappropriate part emerged. Am working on accepting that aspect of me that had one of the most horrid jobs ever.

In spite of that, I see the two collages as a wonderful celebration of union.

A Year of Healing

2010-03-28T12:20:00.000-04:00

Breathe In Breathe Out by grace2244 (Gallery this week) on Polyvore.com

My last post was March last year. Through collages I was led through complex programming connected to a very fractured version of Alice in Wonderland/Wizard of Oz and Tinkerbelle. All fragments of Alice reunited as happened with Tinkerbelle. Then the two united into one healed Alice. Alice has always gone with keys. For me, Alice herself was a key. Her healing opened safe passage for the original unsplit me. I had thought Jane and Ellie were a split core but all kept the secret of Libby as core.

Libby has appeared throughout my Polyvore collages from early on. (I was surprised to see how early she emerged in my collages!) I knew she represented the conscious me...the one with "my" memories of my life. But I thought she was an alter. Above is Libby's healed adult image. She has been represented by the model Lily Cole in nearly all Libby collages.

She shares conscious space with me now. Since she held so much Alice programming, my memory and backwards world perspective have been impacted. It's a good thing though. She brings with her many answers to my life.

Pause for personal identification

2009-03-11T16:23:00.001-04:00

Time of beauty - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Blogging will resume when my state of fusion has completed. It's been three months and it's not allowing me to focus on anything other than fusing. I'm online at Polyvore.com with my collages if anyone cares to follow my healing/fusion experience. Survivors are welcome to join my Polyvore group. To check it out, click here.

Will be back when my fusion process allows me to be present for life other than internal work. The good news is I have learned many answers about my programming and some cues to cause me to dissociate.

Please note I've added an email contact on my profile for those who have been trying to reach me.

Dandelions in Oz

2009-02-21T15:44:00.003-05:00

Dandelions in Oz - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

This collage was a surprise. Who would have put dandelions with ferris wheels? Apparently this was some kind of "tin man" program. "Lions" go with Oz?! Quite a few dandelion collages lately on Polyvore. Lots of mixed stories too. Missing the world. Living in Polyvore. Visit if you like.

The next level of fusion

2009-02-18T12:35:00.003-05:00

Warrior Woman - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Yesterday, the "true male" identity of Raven, who I know as Michael, fused into the entity of Grace (Jane & Ellie). Ellie had been split into male and female since I was 3. She was able to choose to keep her two separate identities instead of choosing one. I didn't know that Michael was still behind in the male system feeling lost and disconnected. That was my therapy session. Beautiful internal imagery of the fusion.

I love this collage. I do drum. I haven't in awhile but my drums are part of my spiritual environment. Guess my warrior woman is back. More posted about this in Grace Uncensored.

Landing in Zen

2009-02-13T18:05:00.001-05:00

Landing in Zen - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Kind of neat just flopping out of trauma world directly on the path to calm and serenity.

Escape from Programming Hell

2009-02-12T16:17:00.003-05:00

Raven escapes her prison - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

I'm still getting my life story in no particular order. Last night I completed a collage where the former Raven showed me her self image as a tormented monster. Needless to say it was very healing to have this be the next collage.

Healing spirit

2009-02-10T23:22:00.001-05:00

Safe in a parallel universe - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Rising up

2009-02-10T13:45:00.002-05:00

Evolution of Grace - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

After several very traumatic collages, this came out of me about 3 a.m. I love the unfolding of myself. Male and female combining and joyful. And I do have the shocking pink Nano iPod!

Color coordinating clues

2009-02-09T18:26:00.003-05:00

Fight Club Healing - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

This collage is a great example of color coordinated clues that accumulate out of conscious awareness. I had no idea I had so many yellow, red, and black items and people. The above was done yesterday. Today a collage revealed that Fight Club was my self-destruct Mickey Mouse Club programming. Mickey IS red, white, yellow, and black! Very difficult to explain. Neat when it happens.

During this current "flood" of memories and alter messages, answers are not coming in order but am "hearing" the connections or "getting" them as more comes up. Am sure I was meant to trigger this flooding if the fusion happened. I will be fine. Can't say it enough but am so grateful for having the artistic outlet to keep this flood under control. Lots of answers. Anyone watching United States of Tara? They are doing an admirable job. The therapist even refers to programming.

The Pink Door

2009-02-05T18:25:00.001-05:00

The Pink Door - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

After healing sufficiently to deconstruct the male system, the ballerinas find their way back to femininity and out of the trauma.

Strong spirit

2009-02-05T12:04:00.000-05:00

Strong spirit - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Free to be me

2009-02-04T16:16:00.004-05:00

Free your mind - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

This may not mean much unless you have grasped any of my posts about twinning. The bottom line is two bonded little girls inside me were separated in a system deliberately created as a male gender identity system. The girls were Jane and Ellie who fused with me. The male was the suppressed feminity of Ellie. Ellie has since collaged fashions she likes and is fully goddess feminine. I couldn't be more pleased.

Delayed life

2009-02-02T16:30:00.003-05:00

Then & Now - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

I found this collage interesting. I see predetermined destiny from the womb knowing I might never remember. And, if I did, it would be too late to have a "real" life. My awakening at age 44 did lead to a genuine and conscious life by age 50. What happened in between only matters to understand what needs to heal.

Seeing the stark reality of not having a life with love or safety or free will for at least four decades of my life is sad. Am grateful to have a substantially emotionally healthier life now with the capacity to give and receive good and safe love. They didn't take that from me.

Intense shame ensures dissociation

2009-02-02T00:36:00.003-05:00

Losing the game - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Hopefully the nudity won't offend anyone. The center row of the collage indicates being forced to be nude for many purposes included porn. I'm not sure what the roll of money represents. Judging from the picture it is near, possibly sold to the highest bidder for a night? The upper row shows me dissociating from the experiences. The lower row shows the awful shame and other feelings accompanying the exploitative activities.

The New Jane

2009-01-29T20:36:00.003-05:00

Jane's New World - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

I wondered who this was. Jane has always been very properly dressed and well coiffed. Apparently since our fusion she's gotten comfy in casual. I never know what the collage will be as I start. I felt the release in this one--remembering the trauma but finally achieving a true life. You can see her loves are the little things. Even that gorgeous little view out the window in Tuscany.

Divine Feminine

2009-01-29T16:52:00.003-05:00

Divine Feminine - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Now that my "male" system has healed and fused, I'm feeling and seeing the acceptance of my own femininity. I'm still the same. I've gone overboard with pink for the past few years but my style hasn't changed. Of course, these past two years, my wardrobe has been predominantly jammies. Over 100 collages. Blogs are still suffering. Will be back with regular posts as soon as my brain lets me.

In the meantime, it's nice to see what is going on inside for all to heal and accept one mind, one body.

Underground

2009-01-20T02:41:00.003-05:00

Underground by grace2244

Since realizing what my life had been following onset of memories in 1997, I began to question the vacations I chose to take. It's my belief that my feeling obsessed to take a vacation on my own was likely a mission. In 1985 I took a bus tour from London through the beautiful English countryside ending up back in London. I've started to understand some of my "clue" images, but choose not to grasp what I might have been doing. Near one of the overnight stops was Menwith Hill, a military base shown in the collage on the right. What look like golf balls are satellites. My understanding is it is an NSA base where they do the same job I had been trained to do in the Air Force a decade earlier.

Their mission, all expenses paid by me. Possibly another reason for dissociative couriers or whatever the heck we did. No paychecks. I paid for everything connected with my trips thinking it was my idea. They always made perfect since at the time... FWIW, my vacation began from Philadelphia on July 4. Wimbledon was in progress that week. And my main mission for my one day in London was to buy a Burberry raincoat. I accomplished that objective and also bought a bag. I think Burberry's was my contact point. I spoke obsessively about that coat for months before the actual vacation. It rained so hard that day, they stopped the tennis and covered the courts. My recollection is I spent a lot longer in Burberry's than intended and wondered how it had gotten so late. hmmm.

A Different Kind of Zen Space

2009-01-18T13:28:00.002-05:00

Zen Space by grace2244

After overflowing with several trauma collages, it was lovely to work on this today.

Hidden Worlds

2009-01-17T15:05:00.004-05:00

Hidden Worlds by grace2244

When I first began earnest work on undoing my conditioning, I became aware of a very complex internal structure with hidden passages and doorways and levels. I love this collage. My hope is that any path taken in my internal world now is one to beauty. It is my wish for all who suffer from the plague of a lifetime of abuse to eventually get to this place.

Rhino helps see inner wisdom

2009-01-13T13:26:00.005-05:00

When these rhino images began to appear, I was initially apprehensive as to their meaning. About 10 years ago an insurance commercial on television had a rhino charging a little girl in a field (the same time as I was collecting the images). At first I started to scream, but when the rhino stopped in front of the child and the little girl pet it, I burst into tears. I've since learned that the rhino was how my female inner wisdom ME first appeared to me.

Interestingly, people with a rhino totem have a heightened sense of smell. The sense of smell is symbolic of higher discrimination, spiritual idealism and higher wisdom and rhino gives all of these to their totem people. Trust your inner wisdom. Don’t look at appearance only – go beyond and trust your internal senses. Rhino will help you see the wisdom in your life.

A survivor's never-ending struggle

2009-01-09T00:06:00.002-05:00

Hope by grace2244

Dragonfly

2009-01-08T12:28:00.003-05:00

Before I die, I want this to be known. Those who know of the government programs impacting children in the 50s and 60s, this collage represents my basic understanding. While many have speculated about a Project Monarch, symbolized by the Monarch butterfly, my memories never came up with the word Monarch. It did come up with Dragonfly in such a huge way, I've been figuratively hit over the head with the message.

So much confusion goes with names and images and meanings, it is my belief that Project Monarch was actually a project known as Dragonfly. It included the gender confusion as a main component. I'll defer on government details because most tend to dismiss that material. It no longer matters to me at this point. It may help others. I would personally like to know if others have had similar messages. No one can confirm this for me. Of course the government won't. Therapists who know much of what has surfaced for government survivors aren't speaking either. Why do I know this? Why am I alive? I need this secret to be known. Or else all I have been through will have meant their secret went to the grave with me.

Dragonfly by grace2244

Memory validation through images

2009-01-07T09:37:00.006-05:00

Today's post is a bit different. The topic is art but contradicts my objective not to write typical posts. This will be anything but typical but will have more text. First of all, I am including two photos. Each is of a type of snake. Even though snakes are icky to nearly every survivor, the point I'm making is how alters can have remarkable accuracy. If hearing the word snake is too upsetting, stop reading!

Within the first three years of healing, a memory surfaced that I had been placed in a sensory deprivation setting (i.e. a box) and covered with coral snakes which are deadly. I learned a lot from researching the contents of memories. The main question was how I survived having coral snakes on me even if I had some kind of paralysis drug that I didn't move. I looked up coral snake to see they look like this:
I recalled several pictures of snakes I had gathered that were all orange. I found all the images and the snakes looked the same to me which left me perplexed. One day on television I saw a commercial where a "milk snake" crawled up inside the pant leg of a man. I went a little nuts because it was an orange snake with black and white stripes. When I looked up milk snake, I found this image:

Milk snakes are harmless. Their defense is their resemblance to a coral snake. While it's difficult to tell from the photo, the coral snake has more of a yellow stripe than a white stripe. And the coral snakes have more red between the black stripes. I wouldn't want to have to consciously figure out which was which but there are some variations of a rhyme that help to tell them apart. One is:

Red and black, friend of Jack
Red and yellow, kill a fellow.

Understanding the difference, I retrieved my orange snake pictures. They were all milk snakes. Over a period of several years, anytime a picture of a milk snake appeared in a magazine, I took it for my stash until the meaning became known to me. In their trauma, the alters remembered the markings specifically. No coral snake image was included because it was not part of their trauma. While I was relieved to know I had been tricked, I can't imagine the fear I would have had as a child in that situation.

I may have stated in another blog that there was a pattern to some memories. I would be witness to some victim being killed (real or virtual or tricked) by a certain species of snake or spider or poisonous creature. I would then be confined to a small isolated area with what looked to be the same creature I just witnessed "kill" someone. Of course that served to greatly enhance the level of terror believing my death was imminent--apart from the fear of having such creatures crawl on me.

It took time to unravel that mystery, but the commercial combined with my photos demystified why I survived the close encounter with at least several deadly snakes. If I recall correctly, it was a camera commercial and the man immediately looked the snake up on the internet and had the same relief I did after seeing the commercial!

Nikki

2009-01-07T03:11:00.002-05:00

I don't recall which picture I found first--Little or Adult Nikki. But when I saw the hat for the second picture, I plowed through my stacks to find the matching one. While I have many picture of Adult Nikki, I always like finding their little. Not all bigs have littles though or vice versa. This little looks like she has psychic abilities. I had no idea what a flash card was back in the late 90s!

Insight into my phone phobia

2009-01-05T02:32:00.004-05:00

Obey by grace2244

The telephone was the primary instrument of conveying cues to me that caused another alter to come out and do something requested. Afterwards, I just picked up where I left off never knowing I had been anywhere else or made phone calls. I also used the phone to advise handlers/abusers of my whereabouts. It's still scary for me to answer any phone.

You can see how young I was when it started. I think I first learned tones and verbal cues which were relayed over the telephone when I was older.

Child's Play

2009-01-04T03:52:00.004-05:00

Littles Safe Playtime by grace2244

Time for littles to learn and know "safe play". Both "safe" and "play" were part of the double language world. "Play a game" was a dreaded term by many survivors. The littles I have now I consider to be inner child. I imagine they will "gel" once they get to know each other and understand they are safe from the abuse of the past.

Jade

2009-01-02T21:51:00.003-05:00

Jade by grace2244

Some images of Jade's past, but looks like she's healing nicely.

Current population of me

2009-01-02T21:35:00.002-05:00

Population of State of Grace by grace2244

This is representative of my current state of being. Not much more than the few ego states most people have. You just don't zone out (likely) if another is taking control. It still shows three Graces, so possibly Grace as one embodies three of me. I'm the one at center left looking a little ditzy which is exactly how I've been. It's a pretty world :-) London is there because the Ian Fleming protector has a British accent. Yes, it's weird. But I love that he speaks that way.

State of Grace

2009-01-01T21:01:00.004-05:00

State of Grace by grace2244

This collage is Grace showing me her life. To clarify any confusion, my first connection to the name was when I realized she was a part of me...one of many. In one of my earliest collages (in the late 90s) I show a little girl praying named Grace. The image was from behind. She was a shadow praying but about 4.

Though I didn't know what she looked like, I felt her. She's my Zen, loves pink, my muse. She became active after my first integration in 2000. Originally I had three graces. Now, I believe the last three adults on the lower right were her. One is wisdom, one is my femininity, one is my spirituality or helps in each of those areas. I didn't know when I gave myself the middle name of Grace that I would become Grace. Am liking being her.

Fusion

2008-12-31T01:14:00.003-05:00

Fusion by grace2244

An artistic expression of my 12/2 integration and fusion.

Knots

2008-12-28T17:16:00.005-05:00

Caution: Some images include nudity as artistic. Possibly triggering and/or offensive to some.

Little did I know this image of Easel would be first in a series.

These two images were cropped from a page of nine images. I found them fascinating but know some might have been offended. The message was "multiple" knots.

I have no message as to what these images mean. Not sure I want to know. Maybe will get an answer in a future collage.

Lexi

2008-12-27T15:10:00.003-05:00

All I know of Lexi is on the front and back of a single collage page. Was this a male to female "switch"? More convincing of male instead of female? Regardless, you can see she is enduring something not pleasant. This is a good example of how I might have cut out one picture which would be in a pile for months until I find one that goes with it. I believe the alter would identify what was needed to cut out. Clearly, the small picture of Lexi on the second collage goes with the alter on the first collage.

The other interesting part of the process was that Lexi knew exactly where her other picture was in my piles when the second picture turned up. Not *my* memory cells recalling locations.

Pink Time

2008-12-27T01:36:00.004-05:00

Pink Time by grace2244

Grace goes with pink. Pink goes with healing and embracing my female identity. This was 14 hours one day non-stop collaging. Must mean more than I can see from current memory. It does show memories from some really awful sh*t to be healing over.

Raven's World

2008-12-26T11:45:00.003-05:00

Raven's World by grace2244

Apparently the third integration released a lot of need to communicate through art again. I love these healing "stories". Raven, who was so hardened and seemed emotionless, shows her trauma healing (the purple blob, Urban Decay eyeshadow, covered with flowers; blooms beginning to heal the craziness in lower right). It's a very peaceful collage to me. She's connecting to the little who is appearing in most (all?) of the collages I've been doing. Can't rave enough about Polyvore website.

The early years

2008-12-25T01:58:00.004-05:00

These 8-1/2 x 11 collages were done from late September 97 until March 98 when I switched to larger artist paper. So these were the earliest clues. The baby on the lower left is me. I think I only now understand this. Interesting someone put it together 11 years ago when I would have to wait this long for an answer. Good idea to keep all notes and drawings!

Please forgive the blacked out faces on the "real" photos. This is ages 1 to 3 (by candles on the cakes). The last photo might be age 4. Top right is little Janie. Next on left is Audrey. Lucy is on the right above my last photo. Someone showing when each came into existence. I know the Audrey/Lucy split was one month after my 3rd birthday--Christmas. (Am just noticing how the alter pictures all have a similar gold/burnt orange color.)

Through the Looking Glass

2008-12-24T13:51:00.001-05:00

Through the Looking Glass by grace2244

My healed core united with adult me with insiders peeking out. Trauma is healing as shown by the flowers growing over the once terrifying drain.

Begin again

2008-12-23T21:02:00.005-05:00

Begin Again by grace2244

The story accompanying this collage is posted on Forbidden Topic as an example of transformational imagery as well as the power of the two trauma collages completed in the past few days focused on my Christmas distress. The good news is a great deal of trapped emotion was released and I'm feeling substantially more liberated.

Soul journey to Italy

2008-12-23T11:07:00.003-05:00

Something very spiritual and beyond words happened during my 2005 vacation to Cinque Terre, Italy that continued into Tuscany. This healing collage is my expression of some kind of completion of my soul.

Simply Me by grace2244

Happy Holidays

2008-12-22T16:32:00.006-05:00

I completed a second collage to finish processing whatever was going on with me. It's more of the memory when I was 3. My little sister was born near mid-December. I guess trauma was my Christmas present that year. Really nasty trauma.

So as not to trigger anyone, I'm providing a link to the art for anyone who wishes to view it. Interestingly, nearly all the images were from the ones I had used in my videos. Coincidence? Likely not.

To view Happy Holidays, click here.

Christmas Ballet

2008-12-22T01:05:00.002-05:00

Decided to try to collage my current distress over the holiday. Didn't take too long to figure out the program.

Christmas Ballet by grace2244

Raven

2008-12-19T15:43:00.003-05:00

Raven must have been the main me out in my organized world of abuse that continued into my 40s. I didn't understand until much later that Raven believed she was "a male without a penis". I have notebooks full of her images and memories to include watching her slow healing process.

No male parts. No breasts. Always trying to show me what's under the dress.

I had numerous images of "Coco Chanel" who always appeared as wounded emotionally. Since my integration, I've torn out a few magazine pictures. Took me awhile to understand. Coco was a wounded part of Raven. Her job was to hide Raven's femininity. Notice her discomfort with having breasts and now hiding her genital area. Healing but not completely comfortable in "her" body.

Double chimneys

2008-12-18T14:05:00.004-05:00

These images accompany the blog post at Forbidden Topi c also from today's entry date.

I chose this to be representative of my many images/collages of the building. Aside from the double chimneys, notice the windows with the square glass blocks. You can see the circles around the chimneys better in the lower image. Apparently they are used like a ladder. The top image also reflects one of the many images I have of very large piping.

Aside from images of the Annex at Walter Reed printed out for my memory folder, I had the firetruck image from Walter Reed's fire company #55 placed next to the two chimney building in my collages.

Images taken from the side of what was identified as Walter Reed's incinerator building. The left photo shows the detail of the window with the glass blocks.

I'm not sure if this is the full front or full back of the building. Notice the top of the roof with the windows. The cartoon images also show windows on top of the roof line.

The detail provided in the combined images was uncanny, to me. Especially getting a ton of rollerblading images the week before this trip. I was wondering wtf since they seemed so out of place. But that sign stating NO ROLLERBLADING started the memory/flashback sequence. More questions. That rollerblading sign could not have been there in the 60s. How did my insiders know it was there now? For more details, see the post at Forbidden Topic.

Casper

2008-12-17T00:51:00.005-05:00

I don't recall "meeting" Casper inside. I only have these images of him. I surmise his job was to take over and act in a manner that would have had me committed...or some similar outcome.

The technical side of intentional trauma

2008-12-16T00:24:00.003-05:00

For some highly sophisticated organized pedophile groups, technology is used to enhance trauma. While I don't know what all images mean, many memories include hospital settings (or what appeared to be a hospital), confusion about time, spinning, illusions, bright lights, and loud music. The image with the piano on top of the man says "Music you don't expect". This is another wtf of organized abuse.

Follow the poodle

2008-12-15T23:39:00.002-05:00

This is a "ceremonial" memory I only know through these pictures. You can see how they connected together. Obviously it didn't end well for the dog or the man in the dress. Or was it really a dog that I was made to believe was a man in a dress? How did my system know there would be these poodle pictures over a period of years that would show me a single memory? Always my question.

Someone's perception of the father

2008-12-14T22:48:00.002-05:00

Lovely images of the person who was supposed to love and protect his child unconditionally. Guns, scary tools, very strange man. The image on the island screams isolation to me. The facial details are fairly close. Clothes also look confusingly feminine. The name of this collage is Effed Up F*ther.

Easel - SI alter saved

2008-12-14T15:47:00.006-05:00

Easel as a little girl. The ad below her image is about drugs. (Not all alters have "regular" names.) Easel went with other images I found with art easels.

Easel as teen.

Adult Easel looking drugged.

This image reveals her "job". Not all Easel images were scanned. This connects directly with components in other Easel images.

What was intended to happen at unknown certain time, event, cue.

Easel saved. Healing but still looking shaken or frightened.

These images encompass several years of torn out magazine pages from numerous magazines. Yet, after awhile, I could recognize alters as soon as I saw them. This is not the same model. The big question. How did my system know that I would find the images that would match by similar elements to give me the answers? The child picture with words about drugs to her adult "job" of suicide alter? All adult images looking drugged?

Will be writing on Forbidden Topic on how my system defused self harm alters.

Breastfeeding men - Mom confusion from birth

2008-12-13T23:30:00.008-05:00

Warning. Some may be disturbed by these images of breasts. This "message" was mindblowing and brought up some pretty detailed intentional confusion for infant bonding with "mother".

Can you say "spinning" to confuse with regard to male/female identification?

My internal message for this picture is "man boobs".

Can you believe I found these kinds of pictures?
Double breasted?

I see a man dressed as a woman. Interestingly, it is Jerry Hall.
(Typically male name for a female)

"Black & White" went with extreme messages. If you click on this photo to enlarge it,
you can see the print on the left lower ad:
"...training in early childhood has lasting rewards."

My former system providing me with an answer no normal thinking person could conceive because of the evil intent.

Audrey

2008-12-13T16:53:00.005-05:00

I was heartbroken to learn that Audrey first identified with being a skeleton. She's a little warrior. Notice how she is identified by holding her right hand up. The circle for eyes and the mouth also connect her images. Her first transformation was from skeleton to drawing. The images make it clear which of the split girls is Audrey. If you look below to Lucy's images, notice how they both have bare feet and are holding flowers in their healed pictures. Many littles only had bare feet. I like to think of it is (in the double language world) as showing my "sole"...soul.

I don't know about the meaning of hats except to connect pictures for me. Notice the two babies have the same hat as healed Audrey. The internal message is that was the body's age at the time of the split. Preverbal :-(

Red hat babies

2008-12-12T21:52:00.004-05:00

It wasn't difficult to see that these images went together. I think what's most important to know is that my alters did this. Out of stacks and stacks of images, when it was time for me to notice the images with the red hats, I did. I received internal messages about some of the meaning once they were put together. It's internal communication in a most inexplicable manner.

Janie to age 11....to Jane Doe

2008-12-12T17:01:00.006-05:00

Janie first appears as a young girl about 4 years old. Always with "Mikey".

I had an "upside down" world and both Janie and Mikey were in it. They are shown as adults in the top picture which I didn't understand until much later.

Somewhere in my vast collection of images is a picture of Mikey in an identical pose: balancing books on his head. However, Janie is "making the grade" and Mikey needs tutoring. I have a very involved memory of Mikey's "death" at age 11. Notice the pattern with Janie being "American Girl" in the next pictures.

Possibly there was frightened little Janie and 11 year old Janie. The smaller Janie is shown with a wishbone. She is now separated from Mikey. In real life, I moved at age 11 overseas with military family.

I can't tell you exactly what this means but notice how images were matched by color and symbols. "Jane Doe" has the same sign as the lower left grouping. The capitol building appears in the bottom three images. Does Jane Doe mean she is unknown or dead? She goes with government, whatever that means. Logically, I think "pushing the envelope" was literally about handing messages in envelopes or relaying messages. I also have lived in a state capitol since 1967.

I mentioned in my other blog that Mikey came up in later memories as my cousin who was born a month later than me. I have pictures of us together as infants. He claims to have no trauma memory. My belief is the image of older Jane and Mikey in the tree means we are still alive as adults...which we are.

And, as recently learned, Jane is my now completely integrated core and I am part of her. I'm the culmination of all the integrated alters who integrated into Jane last week. I don't share her subconscious memories of all of the trauma, but she is tapped into all of my conscious memories. Together, we are one Grace.

Gender Identity Confusion

2008-12-08T23:09:00.004-05:00

Click images to enlarge to read ad above and see detail of image below.

Just two of my many earlier messages regarding gender confusion. The first message was not all men have penises. That prepared me for being convinced that I was a boy in the dissociated world once not having a penis became a nonissue. It took forever to understand this very complicated mind game played with me.

The inside story of ME

2008-12-05T16:37:00.010-05:00

The last two standing.

A connection to Ellie (naked & little hair).

ME and Ellie together as one. My hairstyle.

Me prior to 2007 medical disaster.

I had indicated my next post would feature Jane. Instead, by design (since there are no accidents in my world), I came across pictures of Christy Turlington online today. She became the internal identity for whom I knew as an early identified female protector. She first went by several names, which was confusing. She then became M.E. (distinct separation of letters & pronounced "Emmie") and finally ME. She is both part of me and my inner wisdom or higher self, hence the "upper" case letters. Her internal job was caring for the littles. Once a new little or littles were found, she would take them to a still unknown internal healing place. ME had a lovely healing light surrounding her. She felt like a loving internal sister.

I have many images of ME. It was her image on the cover of Elle shown above that I took with me to my hairdresser in 2004, the year I decided to rid myself of my constantly annoying naturally curly hair and have it professionally straightened. Her haircut became my haircut. It's not much different now. This is how my insiders have always viewed "me". Of course, I have always felt much younger inside. *g* Thought this might be an interesting healing post.

While putting these images together, it became my validation that Jane was the original child and Ellie was the first split. My healing has tended to be backwards of what was done to me (not always an apparent message). The message of the the above images is "ME split" and one was Ellie (LE). Maybe one day I'll figure out about the names that were just letters.

Ellie knows trauma

2008-12-04T23:59:00.006-05:00

I don't know what the gold ball means. I just know these are both Ellie. No specific meaning goes with them.

This represents traumatic silencing to me.

I'm not sure I want to know what Ellie is remembering in this collage.

I did not know what the head gear represented initially. It is a stereotactic instrument that keeps the skull still during brain surgery. Wtf?

Ellie beginning to heal. Aside from appearing bald, she nearly always appeared naked. This ad shows her with hair...a sign of beginning to heal. Amazingly, the small print speaks of the journey of turtles. Turtles have gone with her since some of her first images. Perhaps why I now own a turtle and honor them?

This selection of collages and images are but a few of the strange and disturbing trauma remembered by Ellie. This last collage originally had a blank right bottom corner. I added the photo of her healed and looking confident...and clothed. The top images still upset me.

In my integration earlier this week, Ellie reunited with Jane who will be featured in the next post. Janie grew up to be Jane. Ellie has always appeared as an adult even though she was likely created by the time I was 3.

Hard Candy

2008-12-02T12:24:00.003-05:00

Starting off slowly to show how my system introduced me to themselves. Understand I had a room with piles of pictures torn out from magazines. Most adult alters came from fashion magazines. In every case, after digging through piles of pictures, eventually I would see a pattern or "recognize" someone I'd seen in a previous picture and go scavaging. Is this the same model? I have no idea. But there is no doubt the pictures belong with this one alter.

Notice the words "hair candy" and "hard candy" on the first two ads. It's hard to believe there would be two ads with someone with that facial expression in the world. Also, I have no pictures of a full body...just her head. Names of alters were given to me. I didn't make them up. Names weren't always reflected on the images but often were. This is Hard Candy. You can see the trauma in the first two pictures and the serenity of having healed in the third picture.

Incorrigible One

2008-12-01T23:04:00.004-05:00

I was very pleased to know this little was part of me. I hope she was out a LOT when the perps were around.

Nursery school graduation

2008-11-30T21:24:00.004-05:00

What's wrong with this picture? Click to enlarge and see facial bruising. Age 3. Using magnifying glass on enlarged version, you can see right tear duct is blocked.

In spin we trust

2008-11-30T15:15:00.001-05:00

Last month I posted in Grace Uncensored how my system conveyed to me that someone in my workplace was giving instructions to an alter. With a large format collage, I was shown the job of the alter, the person providing the signal, and showing me the telephone was used to convey the signal. Images depicted the alter becoming dizzy while on the telephone. Knowing someone knew I grew up DID and trained was unnerving and I was terrified to return to work. Motivation for income allowed me to return...but how to be safe and stop responding?

Before returning to work from my short-term leave to pick myself up from the onslaught of early memories after my DID beginning to show, I found this single image in a magazine. Amazingly, in using images, survivors will find they begin to recognize alters because all of their images look like the same person even when it isn't the same model in the magazine. It might be a nudge from inside saying "that's her" or "that's me" or a feeling of knowing. Realizing this image went with the collage about my being used at work game me the piece I needed to no longer be triggered into the alter state. I described in my blog entry how I was able to disconnect from the cue. Scary stuff.

Lips

2008-11-29T13:40:00.001-05:00

This collage was a mystery for several months. Its meaning is something no normal person's brain would ever figure out. I won't say what it means because of the high triggering factor. Once I knew though, it made all the sense in the world. The bad guys made sure that silence was a well instilled message. I can't imagine a more traumatic thing to do to a child--to any living entity. I would have been about five. Symbols, while initially out of my awareness, became important for connecting collages to one another to show me a memory. For instance, the heart at the bottom of the collage is the profile of a woman in a lipstick ad turned sideways. Hearts went with Lucy and this went with her huge trauma memory which also goes with lips.

The middle right image is another part of me. I first came to know her by the artist whose work often appeared in Communication Arts, the main source of my images. Nearly every item on my collages came to have significance...and it remained benign until I was internally given the meaning, always causing a significant eek factor.

Hate him

2008-11-29T12:45:00.000-05:00

An example of one of my childhood photos cut out and positioned on a bench. The two photos were from a vacation I took in England at a church. Notice the gorilla arm. Pictures of gorilla masks and real gorillas. Intentional confusion? Lots of images of benches. Scary unknown meaning. One of earliest memories was with father at a graveyard holding gun to my head at dug out grave. He fired but it was empty. To this day, hearing a misfired gun in movies or television causes a greater PTSD reaction than gun being fired. Unknown meaning to above collage...just random thoughts.

Lucy

2008-11-28T18:16:00.000-05:00

Audrey (top left) and Lucy were two of the first littles I knew. I was shown that Audrey existed first and her job was to hold physical and emotional pain. Audrey became too overwhelmed and split off creating Lucy whose job was to hold shame and guilt. The last picture is Lucy healed as a child. She appears as a young adult in other images; although she did not "grow up". With DID, it is possible to have the same alter at various ages, each existing as a separate self state.