Survivor Art Warning

Keep in mind that survivor art is not about beauty. It reveals trauma...sometimes in a subtle way. Sometimes rather graphically. The beauty, to me, is in being a witness to my own healing from the images given to me by formerly traumatized and even suicidal alters.

Please use caution in viewing this site. I'm proud to be sufficiently healed to share this art (most of which was done from 1997 to 2000). All depicted in the images have integrated. This is me when I was "we".


Follow the Fence

Most of the sets with the fence item are included in the next post "Follow the Leader". I know from my own processing that the same item in a number of sets mean they go together. When I get all the ones together with the similar item they tell a story. But I don't get a story until I get to the right set...and more may be coming. If you look at the previous post, you will see the fence item clearly in the last set where Neverland becomes Winterland. Yesterday I did this set:

When it dawned on me this morning that the fence had been an item in Neverland, I went back to see the sets and gasped when I saw this one again:

The little girl who I called "Running Away" is on the other side of the fence. The safe world is unknown to her. Just in case she was really lost, I asked inside for her to be rescued. Sweet little girl. I hope she is okay now.


Follow the Leader

I had undone harmful programming as shown in my last post. But other programming surfaced shortly afterwards involving "Tinkerbelles" whose job was to cause me to suicide by pills. I have a safety plan for that. And I thought my therapist and I undid that second round of programming a few days ago. Then last night a Polyvore set showed me there was a third wave of this suicide program. I was at my wits end.

This morning I was determined to ask questions inside to help me stop the program using Polyvore sets to communicate. My protector told me to just do what I was guided to do without speaking to others inside or questioning. I did as I was told although I did place questions beneath my processing sets. It told the story of the cycle and then showed me the ingenious solution.

The original program went with "Neverland"...never ending program possibly. I recall creating the winter world over the milkweed field but I guess I didn't logically cover all areas of the system and it came undone. I needed the entire cycle shut down...the bees, the pollination, the repopulation of the Tinkerbelle alters through the pollination.  One was always waiting in the wings if I survived either a suicide attempt or Tinkerbelle made the choice to heal. Time will tell if this worked. Since Spencer guided it, am guessing it will. Makes me wonder what other programming still lies within me waiting to be triggered into action.

For now, I think I'll enjoy knowing my Neverland is now a safe Winterland within myself.


Uncovering Suicidal Programming

My last post was four days prior to my admitting myself to the trauma unit at the Psychiatric Institute of DC because of revealing through art that my suicide attempt (see blog posts at Forbidden Topic) was the first in a series of alters, each with programmed with a different method of suicide. I became terrified to be in my body, fearing another alter would take over and do something far more frightening than taking pills.

I had a one-on-one counselor twice a week who did hypnotherapy differently than my own therapist and took me to a different level of consciousness. The Polyvore sets I did after seeing him showed me some of what he ran into when I "wasn't there". I did stay connected to him the day he asked Spencer what the plan was. I did know Spencer had a plan for undoing the dangerous programming and needed Dr. Doyle's help; however, I did not know the plan. The Polyvore sets that came up after he asked Spencer directly provided Dr. Doyle and me with the answers.

These are the sets in the order they came up:

Initially I could only sense Jose Delgado (represented by Johnnie Depp...JD (!)). It was terrifying. This showed me two girls were behind the JD facade. I knew it represented my sisters. After doing this set, I received the internal message from Spencer that the sisters had blocked his (Spencer's) voice but they could hear Dr. Doyle. Spencer needed Dr. Doyle to unbind the sisters from the programming.

The next set:

This clearly showed the sisters were bound to each other and were trauma bonded to Delgado. The bubbles (from internal translation) meant an ability by the alters to create an aneurysm or cause my heart to stop. Scary stuff. However, it also shows sister on right praying and wanting out of her chains. The sister on left has hands that say "serve him" and a look that says she is ready to proceed with the programming.

The chain between the sisters is broken. Delgado is "marked" with Mickey Mouse (the satan/controller from the underground). The next day I did a collage in group therapy with magazine images showing me again the sisters were separated along with a phrase that included the word "play". An earlier collage done my second day at the Center also showed someone trapped with a phrase including the word play.

The program went off the next day in group therapy when the facilitator began the session by saying, "Today, let's play a game." The art was telling me "play" was a trigger word for the program. I felt an alter "fly" into the back of my neck and feared I would die any second from an aneurism. What I realized later is only one of the sisters proceeded with the programming and she didn't have the power to hurt the body more than to scratch with her/my nails on my arm. The chain had been broken. The other sister had chosen to resist.

The next session with Dr. Doyle, he was able to calm the internal chaos down and I saw the sisters embracing each other inside. Huge relief followed:

Thank goodness for internal communication and communication through art.