Survivor Art Warning

Keep in mind that survivor art is not about beauty. It reveals trauma...sometimes in a subtle way. Sometimes rather graphically. The beauty, to me, is in being a witness to my own healing from the images given to me by formerly traumatized and even suicidal alters.

Please use caution in viewing this site. I'm proud to be sufficiently healed to share this art (most of which was done from 1997 to 2000). All depicted in the images have integrated. This is me when I was "we".


Parting of the C's

I suppose I get clues like this because of lack of brain connections so inside messages have to use the connections known to work. Puzzle pieces. I did so many Sadie sets on Polyvore yesterday trying to get to answers about her. Sadie is the alter who took the overdose last Sunday night. Sets began to show keys and locks. While searching for a specific work of art on Google, I came across the Coco Chanel logo (two Cs overlapped in the center) with a gold key in the intersection. I used the image in a set.

This was a set I did to show Sadie we could be apart and love each other. She didn't always have to be connected to me. It's the first set showing a key (a key to separating Sadie and me). The next set I did was trying to duplicate as best I could an image I had cut from a magazine for a very early collage. It explained why I sensed Sadie was unable to talk. Notice how close the lips of the white self are to the key. This became something I pondered for quite awhile.

The set where I first used the Chanel logo went with an assassin part (I was the target). But the key in the center of the Cs would stop the programming.

The next set I did I wanted to find the Cs separated but had to settle for a clearer version of the logo and used the two hearts with the letters C to show a loving separation. I had taken my sleep meds and this was the last set I did before going to bed. Was showing it to Brian and said I needed to find a safe way to separate the Cs. ding ding ding. "The parting of the seas." Brian said Moses said it. I went to bed thinking about Moses parting the Cs.

I didn't figure out what "Moses" meant but asked Spencer if it was okay to remove the key that was blocking the Cs from separating. He said it was okay. But my mind was thinking the set with the heart and key over the mouth. As I unlocked the heart it fell down and I caught it by quickly moving my right hand and catching it against my upper chest...right where the other heart is in the image. I held two keys and two hearts in my hand. I wondered if they should be destroyed or transformed. I didn't want a red bird but I knew I wanted a peaceful image. So I saw two white doves flying away each with a heart locket around it's a keepsake necklace.

It took Sadie awhile to speak because her mouth had been closed for so long. She seemed surprised that we were both okay and said she loved me in a very soft spoken voice. We hugged. I fell asleep. When I woke up this morning I looked at the set again:

Last night I hadn't noticed the face at all within the Chanel logo top left. I had adjusted the key numerous times thinking only it didn't look like it was off the page at the top. But this morning I was stunned to see the face and the placement of the key right on the lips. Love was the key.

But before I came downstairs I was thinking about Moses again. Backwards was Ses-um. Sounded like Cesium...a dangerous chemical. Then I get the Disney cats from Lady & The Tramp singing "we are Siamese if you please". Sadie somehow was made to believe we were Siamese twins and if she separated from me we would both perish. Here is the set showing how she viewed us:

Sadie sees the lie now. I explained we could only have been Siamese twins if we had been born together in the same womb. The key is gone. We are separated. Am praying our safe separation disconnected the back up programming. "The truth shall set you free" (?).

Moses to Siamese. Parting of the Cs. Am glad Sadie is okay. Still not feeling completely safe. I do feel I need more coping skills for this intense stuff triggered by father's death. And who knows what will surface when Delgado dies. I want to be safe. And I want to live to cherish the friendships I have made and my new family.